A few years back, I found myself at the dining room table, watching my kids gleefully sledding down a hill in our backyard. Was it 2012? 2013? The exact year slips my mind, but that day remains etched in my memory. The joy I felt was palpable; I was content and filled with hope. I often return to that moment, recalling the warmth it brought, serving as a reminder of the blessings in my life. However, that memory is also a source of pain.
An ice storm had transformed the world outside into a stunning winter wonderland. The weight of ice clung to the towering pines and maples, while the railing on our deck glistened with icicles. Inside, I was lost in the laughter of my children and the sight of our dog racing after them. It was a moment of pure presence and joy, away from any worries.
That evening, my then-partner walked in, arms filled with treats from a colleague. The kids rushed over to unwrap boxes brimming with candy and nuts from Harry & David. Life with three children can be chaotic, but that day was one of those idyllic snapshots I had envisioned before becoming a parent.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve been living in this same house without my ex for nearly a year. After a challenging year, I finally felt as though I was emerging from the fog of guilt, ready to embrace a new chapter. I had fought hard against feelings of inadequacy, convinced I needed to bear the weight of my decisions.
Divorce, especially with children involved, can shake your sense of self. It forces you to question your beliefs and can lead you into a dark abyss. Yet, eventually, you find a way out and realize it’s okay to move on, to embrace happiness. I thought the holidays would help propel me further into this newfound joy. Christmas has always been a magical time for me, and I hoped this year would somehow mend my heart.
But I was mistaken.
I’ve been trying to uphold the traditions we once cherished, yet instead of comfort, these efforts feel desperate. I purchased a faux white tree, a long-held desire of mine, but the thought of seeking out a real tree as we once did felt too raw. When the tree arrived, I experienced a mix of excitement and guilt—who was I to create new traditions so soon after my divorce?
A few weeks back, our area received its first snowfall. After dropping the kids off at school, I parked in the driveway and was hit by a wave of nostalgia. Memories of my children sledding and my ex walking through the door with gifts flooded my mind, leaving me breathless. To fill the emptiness, I baked the kids’ favorite cookies, tears streaming down my face the entire time.
It feels like a no-win situation. I struggle to let go and establish new traditions without feeling guilty, yet clinging to the old ways feels like sandpaper on my heart. The holidays amplify my pain, and I resent it.
Nothing seems right. One moment I might feel happiness, only for it to be overshadowed by past mistakes and memories of happier times. You can recognize that something or someone is no longer right for you and still experience a wave of nostalgia. I didn’t expect these feelings to surface during the holiday season. I thought this time of year would help me overcome lingering heartache, providing solace and distraction. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked out that way.
Perhaps it’s because I’m still on my healing journey. Change is challenging and can provoke deep emotional responses. This year has brought moments of gratitude for the gifts in my life, but it has also forced me to confront the struggles that led me here. To avoid breaking down completely, I’ve decided to allow myself to feel whatever emotions arise during this season.
Navigating the holidays post-divorce has proven to be more difficult than anticipated, and I wonder if it ever truly gets easier. Major life changes forever alter you, and reminders will resurface throughout your life—this is simply part of the healing process. These reminders don’t consider the calendar.
So, I’m letting go of the pressure to make the holidays perfect and just allowing myself to be.
As winter continues, I woke up to another icy morning, reminiscent of that beautiful day when my kids were sledding. My daughter came down and said, “Mom, this is my favorite tree we’ve ever had.”
Slowly but surely, we are navigating the tough patches of life. The holidays can be a double-edged sword, bringing both joy and pain. I’ve resolved to stop clinging so tightly to this time of year as a means of fixing myself. I don’t need fixing; I just need to let my feelings flow as they come.
Summary
The emotional toll of divorce can be particularly pronounced during the holiday season, as old traditions clash with new realities. Balancing feelings of nostalgia with the need to create new traditions can be challenging. It’s crucial to allow oneself the space to feel all emotions, as healing from such a significant life change is a gradual process.