By: Evelyn Grant
Updated: August 16, 2019
Originally Published: January 31, 2018
Just two weeks after the arrival of my daughter, my partner had to admit me to an outpatient mental health facility. I had gone without sleep for 11 consecutive days, grappling with breastfeeding, trying to adapt to my newborn’s erratic sleep patterns, and overthinking the whirlwind of new motherhood. Despite my best efforts—reading articles, watching videos, and discussing parenthood with experienced parents—the reality hit me like a freight train.
To provide some context, I have been managing anxiety for a decade. When my partner and I decided to expand our family, I worked closely with my therapist to find an antidepressant dosage that would be considered “safe” for pregnancy. However, it’s important to note that no medication can guarantee a completely risk-free pregnancy. We took extra precautions by finding an OB-GYN who specialized in treating women with anxiety and depression. We were mentally prepared for the possibility of postpartum depression, but we were blindsided by postpartum psychosis.
I won’t delve into the intricate details of my experience with psychosis, as I still grapple with feelings of embarrassment and shame—though I recognize that these feelings are unwarranted. The situation escalated to the point where I feared for my 11-day-old daughter’s safety due to the irrational thoughts clouding my mind, which stemmed from a combination of extreme sleep deprivation and hormonal imbalances.
I had never heard of postpartum psychosis until my five-day stay in the hospital, where I began to emerge from the irrational fog brought on by sleeplessness. Upon leaving the outpatient program, I found myself on new antipsychotic medication, which meant I could no longer breastfeed. To make matters worse, I felt completely isolated, as I did not encounter another mother who could relate to my specific background.
It was during this challenging time that my mother connected me with Lisa at Postpartum Awareness. When I reached out, Lisa took a moment from her busy schedule to call me and share her own struggles with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) after the birth of her first child. Her willingness to share her story lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. She reassured me that I had no reason to feel ashamed, that what I was experiencing was not uncommon, and that recovery was possible.
Although I haven’t spoken to Lisa since that call, it marked the beginning of a tumultuous yet enlightening journey to find a suitable balance of medications and lifestyle changes as a mother. I may not be the same person I was before my daughter was born, but I have grown stronger and gained a better understanding of my strengths and limitations.
Now, approaching my daughter’s 10-month birthday, I can confidently say that I am happy. The year following her birth was a mix of joy and challenges, but it has ultimately been a journey of self-discovery. I sought out a female psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression and have found a medication that doesn’t leave me in a constant state of drowsiness. Instead of working full-time, I now spend mornings with my daughter and teach in the afternoons.
I felt compelled to share this experience for one primary reason: when I tentatively opened up about my postpartum psychosis to another mother, she simply said, “I don’t know what that is,” and that was the end of the conversation. It is my hope that there will be more support and education for women who experience postpartum psychosis, so they do not have to shoulder this burden alone.
As a new mom, it is vital to prioritize your own well-being to ensure you can be the best parent possible. Today, I feel equipped to be the best mother for my daughter and the best partner for my husband, but I understand that healing is an ongoing journey.
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Summary:
Postpartum psychosis can be an overwhelming experience for new mothers, often compounded by feelings of isolation and shame. Despite my struggles, I found support that helped me navigate this challenging time. By sharing my journey, I hope to raise awareness and encourage more open conversations about postpartum mental health, emphasizing the importance of self-care for mothers.