When someone implies that I am not a “real” mom, I can feel the fury welling up inside me; it’s as if they can sense they should take a few steps back. It’s not just absurd to claim I’m not real, but it’s also utterly patronizing to suggest that a woman must give birth to a child to earn the title of a mom. My fellow adoptive mothers will likely agree—motherhood encompasses both biological ties and the actions we take. Some women may be mothers in name only, while others embody the role through their nurturing actions. If you fall into both categories, congratulations, I’ll be sure to get you a trophy for it.
Here are a few comments I often encounter as a stepmother and foster mom:
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When are you going to have one of your own?
blink blink It’s quite clear that I am currently caring for 2-4 children at any given moment. Legally or biologically, they may not belong to me, but in my heart, they are completely mine. I have kids from my past who aren’t in my daily life but remain in my heart every single day. If you can see this reality, please back off and leave my uterus out of our conversation. -
Oh, come on. I didn’t mean it like that…don’t you want your own?
So, you enjoy being rude? Sure, let’s pry into someone’s family planning decisions. Would you like to see my period tracking app to understand my intimate life with my husband? Maybe I’ll even provide a rating for you—considering how interested you are in my personal affairs. The love I have for a child is not dictated by biology. -
Why do they call you mom? I mean, you aren’t their real mom.
What do you mean by “real mom”? Reflect on the term you’re using. I am not their biological mother, and I don’t pretend to be. I am their stepmother and foster mom. The children choose to call me mom, and I encourage them to select whatever name feels right for them—whether that’s my first name or a nickname. They see me as a maternal figure, and I would never want to take away that comfort. -
You’ll understand ____________ once you have one of your own.
Are you suggesting that I can’t grasp this concept simply because I didn’t give birth? Do adoptive parents lack understanding too? What makes you think your love is greater? My devotion to my children—both step and foster—is fierce and unwavering. I’ve dedicated countless hours researching medical issues for my foster kids and ways to support their unique traumas. I’ve invested years into understanding my stepchildren’s emotional and academic needs. I will always advocate for them, moving mountains to ensure their well-being.
This is just a glimpse into my interactions with friends, family, and even strangers. How can I convey to people that I love these children as if I had given birth to them? I didn’t, and I won’t pretend otherwise. I am not their biological mother, but I am their stepmom, their foster mom, their tireless supporter. I am their rock and will forever cherish these children with every ounce of love in my heart.
For further insights on this topic, you can check out this post on home insemination kit for a broader understanding of motherhood. Additionally, if you’re interested in the latest information about artificial insemination, Make a Mom offers comprehensive resources. The American Pregnancy Association is another excellent source for information on donor insemination.
In summary, being labeled a “real” mom based on biological ties is both outdated and offensive. Love, care, and commitment define motherhood, and every mother—biological, step, foster, or adoptive—deserves recognition for their role in a child’s life.