As I prepare for the arrival of my new baby, I can already anticipate the judgments. “What a terrible mother,” or something similar, might be running through your mind. But please, allow me to explain. I’m sharing this from the perspective of a devoted mother who loves her children fiercely. I’ve learned a lot during my parenting journey, and I’m applying that knowledge to make better choices moving forward.
My Struggles with Breastfeeding
When I had my first child, I struggled with breastfeeding. Despite following all the advice, I found myself pumping constantly, consuming oats and herbal teas, and taking fenugreek, which made me smell like maple syrup for weeks. I was overwhelmed with anxiety, acutely aware of the mantra that “breast is best.” I desperately wanted to nourish my son from my own body, but my milk never came in. Essentially, from day one, he was a formula-fed baby.
The loss of breastfeeding was profound. I mourned that experience, moving through the stages of grief. I would look at the nursing tops I had bought during my pregnancy and feel inexplicable anger. Seeing the breast pump parts sitting idle in the drying rack brought me to tears. I often found myself staring at my sleeping baby, convinced that my inability to breastfeed meant I was a failure as a mother.
Managing Bipolar Disorder
Now, here’s where it gets a bit complicated: I also live with bipolar disorder. Yes, it might seem like an odd tangent, but it’s relevant. Bipolar disorder is a chronic condition that demands careful management. I take medication daily to balance my brain’s chemistry, akin to how a diabetic manages insulin levels. I practice mindfulness, attend therapy, and strive to maintain daily routines like anyone managing any chronic illness. For me, adequate sleep is crucial. However, as someone who battles insomnia and intrusive thoughts, achieving a healthy sleep schedule is no small feat.
The Benefits of Bottle-Feeding
When I entered motherhood, I understood that sleep would be a rarity. I was well aware of the impact sleep deprivation could have on my mental health. But with the arrival of my son, we embraced the reality of parenting and those late-night feedings. Surprisingly, I managed quite well. And the reason? I wasn’t breastfeeding.
Since I couldn’t breastfeed, my son was bottle-fed, allowing my partner to step in and share the load. We adopted a 50/50 approach, taking turns with night feedings and allowing each other some much-needed rest. This arrangement not only helped me recover postpartum but also ensured my son thrived. I was a prime candidate for postpartum depression, yet I navigated those early months without incident, my mood remaining stable.
Bottle-feeding gave me the opportunity to truly enjoy caring for my son. It kept me focused on his needs while allowing me to prioritize my mental health. I genuinely believe that feeding him from a bottle may have been a lifesaver for me, preventing me from spiraling into despair during moments of sleep deprivation.
Looking Ahead
Now, fast forward two years, and I find myself with a positive pregnancy test. Naturally, I’m filled with joy. We had hoped for a sibling for our son, and although this pregnancy came sooner than expected, I am ecstatic about welcoming another child into our family.
As I contemplate my plans for this new arrival, I have made a decision: I do not intend to breastfeed again. Some may label this as selfish or accuse me of prioritizing my convenience over my baby’s health. They might argue that I am depriving my child of the best start in life, and that perspective is valid. However, I believe that a healthy mother contributes to a healthy baby. This approach works for my family, and my children are thriving, thanks to a stable and happy mom.
Conclusion
In the end, it is essential to recognize that maternal well-being directly affects the child. A mother who functions well—regardless of her feeding choices—can create a nurturing environment. As I prepare to wake my partner in the middle of the night to share the feeding duties once again, I know I am making the right decision for my family.
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Summary
In summary, I have made a conscious choice not to breastfeed my upcoming child, prioritizing my mental health and the well-being of my family. My experience with my first child taught me that a healthy mom is crucial for a healthy baby. I embrace my decision, knowing it allows me to provide a nurturing environment for my children.