When I first met my future husband, I was eager for intimacy at any time—morning, noon, or night. We were adventurous, often finding ourselves in unexpected places, like his office or a quiet corner of a bar. However, after the birth of our first child, my priorities shifted dramatically. Suddenly, intimacy fell far down my list of concerns, somewhere around “organize the pantry” and well below “get some sleep.” The exhaustion that came with new parenthood, alongside personal challenges like postpartum depression, left little room for romance. By evening, I often felt overwhelmed, seeking solace in simple gestures like holding hands under the covers while hoping for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
As our family grew with the arrival of our second and third children, the vibrant sexual connection we once enjoyed seemed like a distant memory. We were certainly not engaging in intimacy as frequently as we both desired.
A recent survey conducted in the UK by Help-Link’s Expectations vs. Reality campaign supports this sentiment. The study, which involved 2,000 expectant and current parents, highlights a stark contrast between the expectations couples have before having children and the reality they face afterward.
Before parenthood, 92% of couples believed they would remain in love post-baby. Sixty-one percent anticipated a fulfilling love life, envisioning regular date nights and intimate moments several times a week. The harsh truth? Many couples find themselves struggling to achieve these goals. My husband and I are thrilled if we manage a single date night each month, and let’s be honest, a grocery run without the kids counts as a win. The idea of sex three times a week? Now that’s laughable—some days, even basic self-care seems like a stretch.
It’s not that the desire isn’t there; it’s just that the demands of parenting often act as a significant deterrent to intimacy. Infants wake you throughout the night, leaving you drained. Toddlers, on the other hand, seem to have an uncanny knack for sneaking into your bed. As they grow, worries about their emotional well-being take precedence, further sidelining the connection between partners.
Before entering parenthood, many are blissfully unaware of these challenges. Despite hearing about the potential obstacles, they remain confident that their relationship will withstand the test of time and parenting. They envision parenthood as a bonding experience that will enhance their love life. However, the reality, as research indicates, often tells a different story.
A staggering 25% of parents surveyed expressed dissatisfaction with their love lives, while 20% reported that intimacy had all but disappeared. These numbers reflect a broader trend: 57% of couples have stopped prioritizing date nights, and 31% feel they have fallen out of love.
Despite these disheartening statistics, it’s essential to recognize that couples don’t have to accept an unfulfilling relationship or a lack of intimacy as their new norm. Although arranging a regular date night may seem unfeasible, dedicating even a few minutes daily for meaningful conversation can help rekindle that connection. In an interview with TODAY Parents, author Melanie Thompson emphasizes the importance of these small moments for maintaining a strong relationship. Couples might also consider crafting a “relationship bucket list,” inspired by celebrity couples, to ignite excitement about shared experiences.
Regarding intimacy, renowned psychotherapist Rachel Johnson suggests treating it as a priority rather than a chore. Making time for intimacy can add value to the relationship and enhance emotional connections.
So, is it as simple as moving “intimacy” higher on the to-do list? If it means I can skip cleaning out the fridge, count me in! But first, I’ll be prioritizing some much-needed sleep.
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Summary:
Parenthood can drastically change romantic relationships, as many couples discover their expectations of intimacy often clash with reality. A survey revealed that a significant number of parents feel dissatisfied with their love lives, struggling to maintain intimacy amidst the demands of raising children. Yet, small daily efforts and open communication can help rekindle that connection.