“I’m really sorry. Can we go back to being best friends?” These words could easily belong to two eleven-year-olds or a couple navigating the complexities of marriage seven years in.
Sometimes, apologizing even when you don’t mean it can be the key to a thriving relationship. Losing an argument may just hold the secret to marital success. I didn’t always realize this. While I suspected it, my own selfishness often kept me from embracing it fully. But profound lessons emerge when you hold your child for the last time, when you find yourself in a hospital with your daughter looking up at you, and leave with nothing but a lock of her hair and an empty stroller, hand in hand with your partner.
When you choose, even just a few times, to prioritize love over your ego—when you let your spouse rest while you’re exhausted, when you share the last piece of cake after a week without dessert, or when you concede an argument for the sake of harmony—you may just find yourself in a place of deep love and deep grief together. Apologies become more frequent, and the realization dawns: love always trumps the need to be right.
In the early days with our first child, winning arguments felt essential. Especially during those sleepless nights, there was no room for compromise. I was merely tired—nothing more. Our son had surgery at five months, transitioning from a champion sleeper to a baby who cried every hour.
Initially, I worried that the surgery might not have worked or that he was in pain, but as soon as I confirmed he was fine, it was just exhaustion that consumed me. I was frustrated and convinced that I was the most sleep-deprived person in the house.
One particularly grueling week, my parents were preparing to leave town. The morning after they departed, I told my husband I was taking our son to their vacant home for the week. “At least I won’t have to watch you sleep while I’m awake,” I declared.
This sparked an intense hour-long disagreement about whether I should just leave for a week, who was more fatigued, and who deserved to rest more. In the end, I maintained my original words but adjusted my tone to sound more generous. “I want you to get some sleep. I understand you’re equally exhausted. If I take him to my parents, at least one of us could finally rest well.”
Neither of us truly apologized, but eventually, the anger faded. It wasn’t perfect, yet it marked a turning point. The resentment lingered, but I realized that I didn’t have to cling to the title of “most tired.”
I learned this lesson almost completely. It became a bit easier to wake every hour when my child was fighting for her life. Two and a half years later, our second child, our precious Mia, was also dying. Though 2 a.m. still felt like an insurmountable challenge, there was a certain strength to be found during those quiet hours when the world was asleep. A better mother might have greeted every cry with gratitude, thankful for each moment that Mia was still alive. But after eight weeks without rest, I found it impossible to sustain that level of thankfulness.
Amidst the challenges, my husband stepped in. “I’m sorry you’re up all night and I’m not. I should be doing more.” He offered apologies even though he hadn’t caused Mia’s nightly awakenings; he understood my need for reassurance.
I responded in kind, expressing remorse for my anger. We both lost the argument, yet we didn’t care; love prevailed.
Months later, we faced the unimaginable loss of Mia. Now, arguments are rare, but they still occur. During a recent disagreement, I paused and turned to my husband. “My heart is already shattered without Mia. I don’t want it to break further. I’m sorry. Let’s be best friends again.” He echoed my sentiment with an apology of his own.
I can’t recall what we were arguing about.
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In summary, the journey of parenting teaches us that sometimes, losing an argument can strengthen our bonds and foster love in the face of overwhelming challenges. Prioritizing love over being right can lead to deeper connections and a more fulfilling partnership.