My close friend, Clara, is a single mom. Her daily routine resembles a carefully choreographed military operation: rise early, nurse the infant while the toddler watches a cartoon, prepare breakfast, dress both children, get herself ready for work while the kids enjoy another show, drop one off at daycare and the other at preschool, navigate the subway, rush into the office, pick up the kids at day’s end, make a grocery stop, oversee dinner preparation, give baths, pump milk while the older one watches a third episode, and finally, read them a bedtime story or two. Then she cleans the kitchen, rinses out lunch boxes, responds to work emails, and collapses into bed for what is always a brief night of sleep.
For all this, Clara rarely complains. However, during one school pickup, she expressed a desire for her kids to watch less television, but she simply had no other way to keep them occupied while she pumped or showered. Another mother chimed in, suggesting, “Why not just lay out some crayons or craft supplies? That should keep him entertained for a bit.” Clara sighed, acknowledging that while she could try that, the TV would reliably captivate the kids for 10 or 20 minutes, whereas crayons barely held their attention for 20 seconds—and then there was the mess to clean up afterward.
Similarly, another friend named Emily, who juggles a demanding job and often resorts to pre-packaged meals for dinner, lamented publicly that she wished she could prepare homemade meals. A member of our group suggested, “Can’t you just meal prep on the weekends and reheat during the week?” Emily replied, “Not really,” explaining that her weekends were already packed with errands, chores, and childcare.
Although these exchanges were not meant to be hostile, they unintentionally left the mothers feeling somewhat diminished. It implied that if they were simply more efficient, their children would enjoy wholesome, home-cooked meals instead of watching television. The truth is, achieving all the “must-dos” as mothers often feels unattainable. Even with a flexible schedule, I find it challenging to squeeze in cooking, exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and quality time with my children. Most days, I end up neglecting several of these priorities. I appreciate quick life hacks as much as anyone, such as tips for speedy bathroom cleanups or recipes that yield multiple dinners, but they do not address the core issue: there are only so many hours in a day.
It would be a kindness to acknowledge that not every challenge has a straightforward solution—because time and energy are limited. Recognizing that “solving a problem” might mean accepting an imperfect option, like takeout or an extra hour of screen time, is essential.
When my second son was just six weeks old, I received my own “Can’t you just…” from an old college friend who invited us to a park in Manhattan, a subway ride away from our Brooklyn home. I declined because I couldn’t fathom the logistics of getting both kids there. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and take a travel stroller?” While technically feasible, I felt overwhelmed by the task of packing up, holding my three-year-old’s hand with one hand, and managing the baby’s nursing and nap schedule. I couldn’t “just” do anything because I was utterly exhausted. This left me feeling guilty for not making that long-awaited outing happen for my son.
This phrase, while seemingly minor, can make parents—who are already navigating stress and fatigue—feel a little worse about their imperfect realities. Not everyone can cook from scratch, squeeze in 20 minutes for exercise, or tidy up a messy living room. Sometimes, the only desire is to simply relax with a pint of ice cream.
Let’s collectively commit to eliminating this phrase from our parenting dialogue. It’s not my responsibility to solve my friends’ dilemmas, especially since they often already know the solutions (yes, everyone is aware that meal prepping is an option). Instead, it’s my role as a friend to say, “Hey, Stouffer’s is tasty,” or “We watched 19 hours of TV a week, and we turned out okay.” While it may be tempting to offer solutions, sometimes the best support is simply reminding someone that they are doing just fine.
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In summary, let’s be mindful of the language we use in discussions about parenting. Rather than offering unsolicited advice, let’s foster a supportive atmosphere where parents can feel comfortable with their choices, even if they aren’t perfect.