I submitted your daycare registration today. It’s official—you’ll be joining your older sibling at “school” next week. Initially, I felt guilty about leaving your sibling at daycare while I was at home, but I’ve come to realize how precious our time together has been. Your sibling had my undivided attention for 20 months, and my world revolved around them during the 10 weeks I took off work after their birth. You’ve deserved your own special time, and I’ve needed this opportunity to focus solely on you.
Your arrival was relatively smooth. We were out of the hospital within 48 hours, and I was running errands in my comfy pants in less than a week. Unlike your sibling, you were happy to be laid down, allowing me to catch some much-needed sleep, as I didn’t feel the constant urge to monitor every little sound you made. (And between us, I may have dozed off while holding you more times than I should admit.) Breastfeeding was a breeze for us, avoiding the heartache and tears I experienced with your sibling as I sought help from lactation consultants and other new mothers.
In the midst of checking in with work and responding to emails (even though my paid time off ended in just eight days, leaving me essentially working without pay), I crafted a maternity leave to-do list that included goals like “organize closets” (done!), “learn to cook” (I used the oven more than the microwave, so I’d call that a win), “create a will” (with help from my cousin Lisa, an attorney, this was fairly straightforward), and “write a novel” (that one remains unfinished; some aspirations were more ambitious than others).
What wasn’t on that list? Savoring my time with you. Perhaps I didn’t realize it was possible since my maternity leave with your sibling was a blur of exhaustion and anxiety, or maybe my Type A nature just didn’t allow for such moments to make the list. Regardless, I regret overlooking the most important task, and now it feels like it’s too late to revisit it.
For the first month, you really did spend most of your time sleeping. I could have simply relaxed and enjoyed cuddling you all day, but I didn’t allow myself that luxury (I finally had time to scrub the bathrooms!). Then, your sibling fell ill and had to stay home from daycare, while I battled sore throats and sinus issues for what felt like an eternity. You also caught RSV during a particularly tough cold and flu season. When we weren’t in the hospital for two of the scariest days of my life (you were incredibly brave), we were home, dealing with our illnesses—me blowing my nose and you getting your nose cleared with a bulb syringe. The to-do list went unchecked, but we weren’t exactly relishing our time together while sick.
March rolled in gently, and with it, the illnesses we’d passed around finally faded. I suddenly realized I had less than four weeks remaining before returning to work. I should have been laying you down for tummy time and playing with you throughout the day. Instead, I was busy clearing my desk, organizing files, drafting a family budget, and pushing the cart through Home Goods and Target until we spent every last penny on new decorations and essentials for your and your sibling’s closets.
Just like that, 11 weeks flew by, and now I find myself staring at a calendar that’s not in my favor. You’re lying on my lap, cooing and flashing that adorable gummy smile that is bringing tears to my eyes, possibly due to lingering hormones. All I want is to stay in this moment with you, to shake the rattle you’ve been tracking with those bright eyes, and read every book in your collection without a single thought about work or anything else—just us.
While I’ve come to accept leaving behind an unfinished to-do list to focus on you, I’m still anxious about returning to work and leaving you in the care of others for a majority of the day. One week. I have just one week to cherish those gummy smiles, enjoy the warmth of your little body as you snuggle and drift off on my chest, and to introduce you to stories like Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Guess How Much I Love You.
One day, I’ll discuss how inadequate maternity leave is in our country and propose that new mothers should receive six months off with their newborns. For now, I apologize for squandering our initial weeks together. I mistook this time as “free time” to complete tasks, when it’s now clear that the most significant task I’ve had over these 11 weeks has been to love you.
If you’re curious about more on this journey, check out this insightful post on intracervicalinsemination.com. For those looking for guidance on fertility, Make a Mom is a great resource. Additionally, for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, you might find Cleveland Clinic’s podcast very helpful.
In summary, as my maternity leave draws to a close, I reflect on the precious moments I’ve shared with my baby. I recognize the importance of nurturing our bond over completing a to-do list. The fleeting nature of this time has made me realize that the most important task has been to simply love and cherish you.