When my 10-year-old, Ethan, returned home with a report card that boasted all As and Bs—except for a glaring F in History—I was taken aback. He had insisted that he had no homework for weeks, so I had trusted him, believing him to be a generally honest child.
I confronted him while he was engrossed in his iPad in his bedroom. For days, he had repeated that he had no assignments. I placed the report card on his bed, and his eyes widened. I could see him mentally scrambling to formulate an excuse.
I pointed to the failing grade and the zeros next to his assignments. “What’s going on here, buddy? Didn’t you say you didn’t have any homework?”
He sighed deeply and launched into a series of excuses, claiming he forgot, that his teacher didn’t remind him, and that he had left his work at school. In his mind, it wasn’t homework if he didn’t physically bring it home. Ultimately, he delivered the classic line every child has uttered, “It wasn’t my fault.”
I thought to myself, “That’s nonsense.”
I reminded him about the planner he fills out each class and how his teacher writes down assignments on the board. Suddenly, he appeared emotional as he exclaimed, “It’s not a big deal, Dad! History is dumb anyway.”
His flushed face told me he was cornered, and a part of me felt guilty for being hard on him. After all, aside from his complaints about cleaning his room and changing his clothes, he was a good kid. Failing a class was new territory for him.
I faced a dilemma: I could let him slide and risk him failing, be overly strict and create resentment, or find a middle ground. After all, he needed to learn this lesson sooner rather than later. But with every option came uncertainty, a common theme in parenting.
After a moment of silence, I shared my own experiences from when I was his age. “I struggled a bit too, you know. I didn’t just fail History; I was sent home for fighting and talking back too.”
He chuckled but quickly tried to regain his composure.
“I wasn’t the worst kid, but I did bend the rules often. I didn’t have much guidance at home. By the age of ten, my father was gone, and my mother worked multiple jobs. I barely saw her, and when I did, it was just before she left or late at night when she returned home. No one was there to call me out on my mistakes.”
I reflected on how much I would have appreciated my father stepping in, saying, “Clint, you need to stop messing around.” I would have fought it then, but now, as a father who took years to grow up, I recognize that kind of tough love is a sign of care.
Looking directly at Ethan, I said, “I love you enough to ensure you succeed academically. I love you enough to teach you responsibility. I love you enough to scrutinize your report card and let you know I expect more. I love you enough to enforce consequences. This isn’t personal; it’s just how fathers show they care.”
With that, I informed him that he wouldn’t be allowed to use his iPad until he improved in History.
Understandably, he was upset, and I dreaded the forthcoming weeks filled with his pleas to play on his iPad. It’s always difficult to enforce discipline, and it often feels like they will resent you forever.
He was silent for the remainder of the day, but as I tucked him in that night, he lay facing away from me. “Love you, buddy,” I said, to which he grunted and murmured, “I’ll fix it.”
I smiled in the dark and hugged him gently, saying, “I know you will. Not because of the iPad but because you’re a good kid.”
He let out a long sigh, and I left his room feeling hopeful.
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Summary
Holding children accountable is essential for their growth and understanding of responsibility. While it can be challenging to discipline, it ultimately shows love and care, preparing them for the future.