“Why aren’t you taking a shower?”
“Because Dad didn’t ask me nicely.”
I was taken aback. My almost nine-year-old son sat on the bathroom floor, partially dressed, completely refusing to enter the shower, citing his father’s lack of polite requests as the reason. To be fair, I knew my husband had asked him “nicely” several times, but I also remembered that he had resorted to yelling by the fourth or fifth prompt.
Taking a deep breath, I looked at my chilly, unwashed son and calmly said, “I’m asking you nicely. Please get in the shower; you’re dirty and cold.” He complied.
As my son scrubbed away the day’s dirt, I reflected on how we communicate with our children. It’s common for requests to go unheeded multiple times, often leading to a louder plea. I thought back to times I had been on the receiving end of such yelling; it’s not enjoyable. It can be humiliating and certainly doesn’t inspire motivation. I also don’t enjoy being the one who yells. It frustrates me, strains my voice, and I often wonder if it actually leads to any positive outcomes. I never envisioned my home as a yelling environment, but it seems to happen more frequently than my pre-children self would have anticipated.
By the time he finished his shower, I made a personal vow: no more yelling. I resolved that even if it took me twenty calm requests, I would maintain my composure and smile. If any behavior warranted a consequence, I would state it calmly and move on. I aimed to embody calmness and patience. If I wanted to raise children who managed their emotions well, I realized I had to exemplify that myself. This was no small feat with three children under nine years old, especially during their school break.
Once he exited the shower, he said, “Get me my sweats.”
With a smile, I replied, “They are at the foot of the bed; please get dressed.” Then, I stepped out of the room.
After five minutes without seeing him, I returned to find him half-dressed and absorbed in a book. “Oh great, you’re getting dressed! Please finish up because dinner is ready.” I left, and shortly after, he came out—fully dressed.
This pattern of calm requests continued for days. I would ask politely, sometimes multiple times, but without raising my voice. We successfully navigated our break, two airplane trips, and a four-hour car ride. The next significant challenge was the first morning back at school. I prepared everything the night before: clothes laid out, bags by the door, socks, shoes, and coats ready to go.
That Monday morning, I woke the kids, guided them through breakfast, got their teeth brushed, and dressed them in weather-appropriate attire. We walked out the door right on time. No yelling involved.
It’s now been two weeks, and I’ve even encouraged my husband to join me in this approach. I can’t claim my kids listen better; they still squabble, resist dinner, argue about bedtime, and face consequences. We frequently repeat requests, but now, even the fifth request is delivered as calmly as the first, and my patience has been tested.
What I can say is that our home feels calmer and more pleasant. This experiment is in its early stages, and I’m curious to see how it holds up through the teenage years. For now, though, it’s contributing to a happier atmosphere, and I intend to keep it going.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s transformation from a yelling parent to one who communicates with calmness and patience. After a particular incident with her son, she resolved to ask calmly, even if it required multiple attempts. The shift led to a more peaceful home environment, and while challenges remain, the overall atmosphere has improved.