Abstract: This narrative discusses the complexities of parenting amidst mental health challenges, highlighting the decision of a mother, Samantha, to permit her daughters to live with their father due to her struggles with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder.
Introduction
From a young age, I envisioned myself as a mother, meticulously planning every aspect of motherhood, including names and nursery themes. However, unforeseen mental health issues complicated this dream. It wasn’t until I reached the age of 30, with three children and a fulfilling career in behavioral therapy, that I acknowledged my mental health struggles.
Mental Health Journey
In June 2015, a manic episode led to the loss of my career and halted my educational pursuits. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, my existence became a cycle of medication trials, therapy sessions, and self-care attempts. My symptoms worsened, leading to increased paranoia, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I became a shell of my former self, retreating to my bedroom while my children witnessed my decline.
Family History of Mental Illness
Mental illness runs in my family. My great-grandmother struggled with severe depression, which often left her bedridden, forcing her to rely on her eldest child to care for her siblings. Patterns of neglect and resentment emerged, creating toxic relationships that persisted into adulthood. My grandmother’s limited memories of her mother center around the struggles of mental illness.
Decision to Change Living Arrangements
Approximately a year ago, my ex-husband contacted me regarding our daughters’ desire to attend a private school near his residence. After considerable contemplation over nine months, I made the difficult decision to reduce my time with them from 70% to 30%, transitioning from a full-time caregiver to weekend visits. I recognized the potential sacrifice of precious moments in their childhood, including shared experiences like homework and milestones.
Considerations for Their Well-Being
My daughters had witnessed my struggles—my emotional breakdowns, hospital visits, and moments of despair. I desired to provide them with a stable upbringing, one that I could no longer offer. They deserved opportunities for extracurricular activities and a secure environment, which I felt their father could provide more reliably than I could at that time.
Reflections on the Decision
It has been nearly a year since this change in our living arrangements. Some days, I embrace the time to focus on my self-care, attending therapy and support groups. However, there are still nights when I crawl into their empty beds, overwhelmed with grief over my decision. I often question whether this choice was right for them and whether it will impact our relationship long-term.
Conclusion
The journey continues, filled with both anxiety about my parenting choices and hope for my daughters’ future. I strive to be present in their lives, attending events and creating memories through shared activities, despite the physical distance. Ultimately, I made this choice for their well-being, hoping they will understand my intentions as they grow older.
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Summary
This article reflects on a mother’s difficult decision to allow her daughters to live with their father amid her mental health struggles. It emphasizes the importance of prioritizing children’s well-being over personal desires and highlights the need for self-care in the face of parenting challenges.