In contemporary educational environments, the phenomenon of bullying remains a significant concern. It is not uncommon to encounter children who exhibit behaviors perceived as bullying—name-calling, unfair play, or attempts to monopolize group activities. For parents, witnessing their child’s involvement in these behaviors can be heartbreaking and frustrating.
As a parent of a child often labeled as a bully, I prefer to use the term “perceived bully.” This distinction is crucial, as bullying typically involves intentional harm or coercion. Many believe that such behavior stems from inadequate parenting or exposure to negative influences, including violent media or peer groups. While these factors can contribute, it is essential to recognize that some children exhibit these behaviors due to special needs.
I have several children with varying special needs, and two of them have been identified as exhibiting bullying behaviors—one at home and one in school settings. My daughter, who struggles academically, possesses a genuinely kind heart. She relies on medication to help manage her behaviors. Initially, she is energetic in the morning, but within 45 minutes, she transforms into the most cooperative and helpful child in our household. She enjoys caring for younger siblings, assisting with household chores, and cherishing her friendships. Her enthusiasm for social interactions is evident, as she loves organizing and participating in group activities.
However, as the school year progresses and her medication’s efficacy wanes, her difficulties in managing transitions become more apparent. Situations such as lining up, recess, and after-school activities often trigger her negative behaviors. Hurtful comments directed at friends and family members become more frequent, particularly as her medication effects diminish throughout the day.
As the holiday season approaches, I often begin receiving communications from teachers, parents, and even neighbors regarding my child’s behavior. My community typically provides this feedback in a compassionate manner, which I appreciate. These discussions are invaluable opportunities to teach my child, facilitate apologies, and impart important lessons. However, for some children with special needs, understanding the consequences of their actions can be exceptionally challenging. They may struggle to grasp that hurtful comments can deeply affect others or that dishonest play can lead to exclusion.
These social norms often elude comprehension for many children, resulting in unintended emotional distress. While my children may inadvertently hurt others, their intentions are not malicious. They do not deliberately seek to harm, nor do they target specific individuals with any nefarious intent. Their behaviors stem from their unique challenges, including neurological differences that can complicate their social interactions.
A significant challenge for parents of perceived bullies is the impact on all parties involved. Each notification of inappropriate behavior serves as a reminder of the struggles my child faces. Although she may have peers to play with, the depth of her friendships can be affected by her behaviors. As children transition into middle and high school, the importance of close friendships and social invitations increases, making the potential for exclusion even more painful. I understand that my child can behave in hurtful ways, but I also recognize her genuine affection and desire for connection.
I share my experiences not only to offer solidarity to other parents of children with special needs but also to communicate to those affected by these behaviors that we are genuinely sorry. We never intend for another child to feel hurt. This serves as a reminder to extend grace and understanding, recognizing that children with special needs often face challenges beyond their control.
It is important to inform children on the receiving end that my child has special needs and sometimes requires additional support to engage in social situations. Despite any hurtful actions, my child harbors a sincere wish to foster friendships. I welcome communication about incidents, although such reminders can be painful—not from the individuals contacting me, but from the broader implications for my child’s future.
In summary, I urge you to view my child not as a bully, but as a child facing behavioral challenges arising from an invisible disability. Encouraging education and understanding can help all involved navigate these complex dynamics. Let us promote kindness and empathy rather than perpetuate divisiveness.
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