Dear Tiny Human,
Though I have T-shirts older than you, in your brief three years, you’ve somehow become a fountain of knowledge. Just ask, and before we even finish the question, you’ll share your strong opinions on everything from how to pronounce words to the weather. The concept of “you’re wrong” simply does not exist in your world. You are brimming with wisdom that you generously share with your loyal audience—your adoring parents. Here’s what you’ve taught me:
- The correct spelling of “dog” is “C-F-H,” and questioning this will have serious consequences.
- Toast should never be sliced into triangles, unless you’re suddenly in the mood for triangles, which is unpredictable.
- Dandelions are undeniably flowers, regardless of how many puffs you blow off.
- There is no such thing as “too cold” for pants.
- You are definitely not a baby.
- Tucking your shoelaces into your shoes counts as tying them—absolutely! And you can do it all by yourself!
- Running out of string cheese or yogurt tubes is an unthinkable disaster.
- My food always tastes better than whatever gourmet dish you have on your plate.
- The toilet is a fascinating place to explore what fits down there, except for poop, which is better left for other surprises.
- This is your side of the bed. Also, this side. And both pillows. And all but six inches of this blanket.
- My hands and purse are ideal trash and spit-out-food holders.
- Crackers are their own food group.
- “Sleeping in” has become obsolete, except for those rare moments when we need to leave early, and suddenly you sleep like a rock.
- Target aisles are the perfect venue for tantrums.
- When you need something, it’s always right now, regardless of what I’m doing—whether I’m in bed, on the phone, or in the bathroom.
- Walks are enjoyable for about two minutes, after which they transform into “carrying” sessions.
- Your meals must be served in the exact dishes you demand—or else.
- Your preferences can change in an instant, and everyone should adapt accordingly.
- No height is too great to climb, especially if snacks are suspected to be close by.
- You can survive on nothing but Goldfish crackers for days—until I buy them in bulk, and then they’re suddenly “yucky.”
- If a nap is interrupted, it’s best to avoid direct eye contact for a while.
- Right as we’re about to leave, you will choose that moment to have a bathroom emergency, but only after coats are fastened and shoes are tied.
- You have no regard for my schedule.
- Every injury, even the invisible ones, requires a Band-Aid.
- You can sleep through nearly anything except the crinkling of late-night snack wrappers or your parents being intimate.
- There’s no such thing as “we’ve seen this episode a million times, let’s pick a new one.”
- You know the directions to everywhere from your throne in the backseat.
- Rationality is not your strong suit.
- Chicken nuggets must come in animal or dinosaur shapes.
- Outfits can include anything and everything, and capes, rain boots, and tutus are perfectly acceptable for public outings.
You might be many things, dear toddler, but reasonable and flexible are not among them. The quicker we all realize this, the better off we’ll be—unless we want to face the consequences of your wrath. It helps that you’re adorable; those chubby cheeks and pudgy fingers can be quite deceivingly angelic, but let’s be honest—they’re adorable enough to almost make up for everything else… almost.
Love,
Mommy
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In summary, toddlers are a delightful challenge, teaching us the importance of flexibility and adaptability, all while being utterly adorable.