In the realm of parenting, particularly when it comes to raising children with special needs, the discourse surrounding appropriate language is paramount. As a parent of two children with unique requirements, I have encountered numerous unsolicited remarks and suggestions throughout my journey. However, there exists one phrase that consistently evokes a visceral reaction: “Can’t you just…?”
This expression has been particularly directed towards my daughter’s feeding tube. The repeated inquiries such as “Can’t you just make her eat?” are not only simplistic but also insensitive. The reality is that forcibly feeding someone is not a viable solution. Similarly, during public meltdowns, I have faced the suggestion, “Can’t you just give her a good spanking?” It’s crucial to understand that punitive measures cannot address the complexities of autism. Lastly, when discussing our challenges in securing a babysitter for a night out, I often hear, “Can’t you just find one?” The response is often, “If it were that easy, don’t you think I would have done it already?”
These phrases, although often unintentional, imply a lack of understanding of the multifaceted challenges faced by parents in our situation. It’s disheartening to think that after years of navigating this journey, individuals assume they possess the answers after a mere moment of observation.
For those who wish to support a parent of a special needs child, it is advisable to refrain from offering unsolicited advice unless explicitly requested. Instead, simple words of encouragement can be more beneficial, such as, “You’re doing an admirable job,” or “Is there something I can assist you with?” A kind offer of companionship, perhaps over coffee, can provide much-needed solace and connection.
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In summary, while well-meaning advice may be offered, it is crucial to recognize the complexity of each family’s unique circumstances. Encouragement and empathy often resonate more than unsolicited suggestions.