The Value of an Awkward Teenage Phase (And How to Foster One in Your Children)

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Navigating the teenage years can be a tumultuous journey, often filled with self-doubt, peer pressure, and the quest for identity. Reflecting on my own experiences, I recall a time in 1989 when I was a 14-year-old girl, awkward and unsure of myself. I had frizzy hair from an ill-fated perm, wore braces, and sported medieval-style headgear at night. Entering a new high school, I felt isolated, knowing no one.

This narrative of the “ugly duckling” transforming into a “swan” is a common trope. However, my journey was less about achieving popularity and more about embracing my uniqueness. While other girls were busy attracting attention from senior boys, I focused on building meaningful friendships, immersing myself in books, and exploring my interests. This period of awkwardness afforded me the time to grow without the heavy burden of social pressures, allowing me to develop a strong sense of self.

As a parent now, I hope to provide my children with a similar cushion of awkwardness. I desire for them to experience a phase where they can engage in silly humor and cultivate quirky interests, rather than being thrust into the adult-like pressures of social media and risky behaviors too soon.

A friend of mine, pressured by peers in middle school, often expressed a wish that her parents had imposed stricter rules on her. Without the protective barrier of her own awkwardness, she found herself in vulnerable situations, succumbing to external pressures. In contrast, my own experience shielded me from many of these influences, as I navigated my teenage years relatively unscathed.

While I can’t guarantee that my children will mirror my experiences, I turn to insights from experts like Lisa Damour, author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood. Damour emphasizes the importance of striking a balance in parenting: avoiding draconian punishments and avoiding the trap of trying to be your child’s best friend. Instead, she suggests that parents should maintain their roles as authority figures, allowing teens to use parental “crazy rules” as a buffer against risky behaviors. This way, when faced with peer pressure, kids can present their parents as the “bad guys,” creating an avenue for them to resist temptation.

In this context, it’s crucial for parents to embrace being uncool. This allows children to navigate their teenage years with the necessary distance from the pressures of popularity and the allure of adult activities. As I prepare for my children’s transition into adolescence, I welcome the potential for awkwardness in their lives, knowing it could serve as a vital part of their growth.

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In summary, fostering an awkward teenage phase can provide children with the time they need to grow and build resilience against peer pressure. By allowing them space to be themselves, we can help them navigate these challenging years with confidence.