For the early years of my son’s life, I was simply “Mom.” It was straightforward—no additional identifiers. However, as we recognized that his behavior diverged from typical development around 18 months, it wasn’t until he reached four and a half that he received his first diagnosis: Severe ADHD, Combined Type. With that label came mine: Special Needs Mom.
This transition meant that I was no longer just another parent doing school drop-offs and attending meetings. Instead, I inherited a label that connected me to multiple diagnoses for my energetic seven-year-old. This also means I now categorize you. You might have been my friend, neighbor, or fellow church-goer, but now you’re identified as “Neurotypical Mom,” while I’m the “Special Needs Mom.”
In mental health discussions, “normal” can have a negative connotation, so your child’s accomplishments are deemed neurotypical to avoid offending someone—though I’m not sure who. While we might share the same societal expectations, our experiences are often worlds apart.
Let’s be real: parenting is tough for everyone, but raising a child with special needs can feel like navigating through a horror movie. Here are five insights from other Special Needs Moms like me that we hope our Neurotypical friends will understand, even if we struggle to articulate them.
1. Our Milestones Are Different.
In our home, we celebrate achievements that may seem trivial to others, like having a day without a tantrum or finishing a task without a meltdown. While your daily routines may go smoothly, our moments of peace are rare and monumental. When we finally have a calm family dinner or a successful outing, we celebrate like it’s a major victory.
2. Sometimes We Feel Resentment—But It’s Not Your Fault.
When my child has a meltdown in public and throws a chair, it’s not your fault. Yet, when I hear you complain about your child calling you “mean” in a store, I sometimes wish you could see how easy you have it. But I know that everyone’s struggles are unique, and it’s crucial to respect that.
3. Asking for Help Is Hard.
Parenting a child with special needs is exhausting beyond measure. Picture the fatigue of managing a newborn and a toddler simultaneously, and multiply that by a factor of ten. We often can’t reach out for help because not everyone is equipped to handle the unique challenges our kids present. The anxiety around leaving them with someone else, especially given their needs, makes asking for a break feel like an impossible task.
4. Worry Is Our Constant Companion.
We’re always preoccupied with decisions about care, therapy costs, and our children’s futures. While you may worry about your child’s social life or school events, our concerns often extend to much graver matters, like mental health statistics and long-term care. The weight of these worries can be unbelievably heavy.
5. Some Days, It’s Just Too Much.
Loving our children is unwavering and fierce, but the reality is that many of us feel lost. We might find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed, even struggling to maintain basic self-care. The strain this places on our relationships is significant, with divorce rates soaring among parents of special needs children. It’s a journey that often requires us to grieve the child we envisioned and learn to embrace the child we have.
So, dear Neurotypical friend, we need your support. We need you to make an effort to maintain our friendship. Bring us a meal, sit with our kids while we take a moment for ourselves, or invite us out even if we might have to cancel last minute. Your understanding and presence mean the world to us.
For more insights and resources about this journey, check out this guide on navigating parenthood. Additionally, for a comprehensive look at home insemination, visit Make a Mom. Another great resource is Rmany, which offers helpful information on pregnancy and parenting.
In summary, while the path of parenting a child with special needs can be daunting, the love we have for our kids remains unwavering. We appreciate your understanding and support as we navigate this journey together.