Like many mothers, I’ve been reflecting on the emotional labor and mental responsibilities that come with parenting, and the impact it has on my well-being as I shoulder the weight of it all in our family.
Growing Up with a Stay-at-Home Dad
Growing up in the ’80s, I was raised by a stay-at-home father—an uncommon sight back then. My dad was a bit unconventional, marrying my mom at 44 and becoming a full-time caregiver after an injury forced him to retire from his job as a firefighter. By the time I was young, his main focus was on nurturing me and my younger sister.
He managed the emotional labor of parenting with grace. He drove us to school every day, listening to our endless stories about friends and school. He took us to doctor’s visits, organized playdates, and made sure we were always entertained throughout the summer. He made toast and tea on sick days while we watched our favorite morning show, and he supported us through activities like Girl Scouts and karate, always remembering birthdays and feeding us snacks.
He did all this without the conveniences of cell phones, the internet, or streaming services. I never fully appreciated how exhausting that must have been until I asked him about it a year before he passed. “How did you manage everything?” I wondered. “What kept you so calm?” His reply was simple yet profound: “Those moments with you girls were a gift. My happiest memories. But yes, it was exhausting…”
Stepping into Motherhood
As I ventured into motherhood, I found myself in the role of the primary caregiver. After returning from Ethiopia, I took a few years off to be with my son, Max. I even chose a career path that allowed him to attend school with me for several years. During this time, I was never truly “off-duty,” always providing support, hugs, and snacks whenever needed.
I handled appointments, teacher meetings, playdates, and all the planning that came with them. I spent countless hours searching for daycares and schools, trying to find the perfect fit. I agonized over ADHD treatment plans, collaborated with teachers, and worried about every decision I made. I felt like I was the sole keeper of all the family’s information, and when things went wrong, I felt the burden was mine alone. The anxiety was overwhelming.
Realizations and Communication
For years, I told my partner, Tom, “You should just know what I need!” This was often in response to his attempts to help me when I felt overwhelmed. Having seen my dad manage it all, I assumed all men understood the complexities of parenting. But in reality, I had taken on this role with such intensity that I thought only I could handle it properly. I didn’t always allow Tom to be involved, so he had no idea what I needed from him.
I doubted his ability to follow through on the little things, questioning even the smallest choices: “Two cookies before dinner?” or “Did you make sure he stayed hydrated today?” So, I ended up doing it all myself, which led to frustration when I felt isolated in my responsibilities.
This past year has brought a liberating realization for both of us. We are fundamentally different individuals. Tom isn’t going to approach parenting the same way I do. As an introvert, he listens attentively, but as a writer, I often struggle to communicate effectively. My expectations for him were much higher than those I set for myself. I wanted him to understand my feelings without me articulating them clearly, to take initiative without me defining what that should look like.
I eventually recognized the need to treat him as a true partner in parenting. He wanted to help lighten my load, but he just didn’t know how. “I need more support. I can’t manage all the appointments, sick days, and household chores alone,” I finally admitted. “I can’t be the sole keeper of all the information and decisions. It’s too overwhelming.”
Tom responded, “Of course.”
While he may not remember every detail, like whether Max’s clothes match or the specifics of a doctor’s visit, he is capable of creating plans with teachers, navigating team dynamics, giving friendship advice, and sharing reading time with our son.
Finding Balance Together
In my eagerness to get things done my way, I often excluded Tom from the process. I will always have a significant role in parenting, and the emotional weight that comes with it can be draining. However, as we work together to raise a caring and compassionate son, I am learning to appreciate the strengths we both bring to the table to balance the emotional labor of parenting.
I also remind myself to appreciate these strengths even when Tom returns from an appointment without recalling the details we discussed.
Additional Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, my journey alongside Tom has taught me the importance of collaboration in parenting. By recognizing our differences and communicating our needs, we can share the mental load and create a supportive environment for our family.