In a recent conversation within a private group of mothers, we opened up about the challenges of marriage in a way we hadn’t before. As a few women shared their struggles, it became clear that many of us were grappling with significant marital issues. Some were contemplating leaving their spouses without having broached the subject, while others had even taken steps toward divorce but were still keeping it from their children. A few were in therapy, either alone or with their partners, and some had nearly split but found their way back, emerging stronger.
The overarching theme of our discussion was a shared understanding: “Marriage isn’t a fairytale; it’s tough, so we need to accept that.” Alongside that was a sentiment of hope: “Love has its ups and downs, but it can improve.” This advice is both realistic and sound. We understand that marriage isn’t perfect and that our partners can’t meet all our needs. Naturally, there will be fluctuations, and as imperfect beings, we should expect some bumps along the way.
However, it’s crucial to add a caveat to the “marriage isn’t a fairytale” narrative: Sometimes, marital problems aren’t just typical struggles. Sometimes, the unhappiness may be enduring, and the differences might be too significant to bridge. When someone’s instincts tell them that something is fundamentally wrong, but they keep hearing, “That’s just how marriage is,” they might dismiss their feelings. They could end up stuck in a marriage when they truly ought to move on.
I can relate to this deeply, as I am currently navigating the end of a 15-year marriage. For years, I sensed that something was seriously amiss, but I clung to the idea that my feelings were merely typical marital discomfort. My situation is unique in that I have come to understand my identity as a gay woman. Early on, I struggled not only with my sexuality but also with a growing disconnection from my husband. We had fundamental differences—our interests, our values, and even our senses of humor were misaligned. While some of these might seem trivial, a solid partnership should at least foster enjoyment in each other’s company, which I found lacking. I preferred the company of my friends over my spouse, leading to long-term dissatisfaction.
However, the root of my discontent ran deeper than my sexual orientation. My husband possessed traits that should have been red flags—he was often rude, dismissive, and held prejudiced views. Despite his kindness to our daughters, I found myself in a position where I felt like I had to be his moral guide. I learned that feeling contempt for your spouse is a significant warning sign, yet I convinced myself that it was normal and that I needed to work through it.
For years, I told myself my feelings of dissatisfaction were a natural part of marriage. I often consulted friends, searching for reassurance and finding it in the notion that all marriages have their struggles. I was inundated with advice about “working on” the relationship, whether through date nights or adventures, all while I felt increasingly disconnected. I ignored the glaring issues, convinced that my unhappiness stemmed from unrealistic expectations.
This narrative of “marriage isn’t a fairytale” isn’t just misleading for those questioning their sexual identity. Some marriages are fundamentally unhealthy and should not continue. Conversely, many couples do find happiness and fulfillment together—my brother and his wife, for example, share a wonderful relationship after two decades together, showing that it is possible to truly connect.
While it’s essential to acknowledge the challenges of marriage and the need for effort, we must also recognize when it’s time to reassess. For me, my identity as a gay woman is unchangeable; even if I weren’t gay, my marriage would still have ended due to deeper incompatibilities. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to change fundamentally for the sake of a relationship.
When discussing marriage, blanket advice is often unwise. Each individual must evaluate their unique circumstances, as they are the only ones who truly understand the nuances of their relationship. They must determine if their situation can be improved enough to restore their happiness. While fairytales may not exist, the notion of “normal” can be dangerous, perpetuating a cycle of unhappiness for those in truly toxic situations. Life is short, and no one should feel obligated to settle for mediocrity.
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Summary
Marriage can be incredibly challenging, and while it’s important to acknowledge the difficulties, we must also be aware that not all issues are normal. Sometimes, the problems in a relationship are more serious than they seem, and individuals must assess their circumstances honestly to determine the best path forward.