A few weeks ago, my daughter, Lily, accompanied her other mother to Costco. They returned with the usual haul of fresh fruit, cereal, and household essentials. However, they also came home with bathing suits. Despite the chilly weather where we live, Costco was already stocked for summer with goggles, pool toys, and a variety of swimwear. The styles looked great, the quality was impressive, and the prices were reasonable. But despite these positives, I couldn’t shake the anxiety that accompanies each summer visit to the public pool or local beaches with my daughter.
Lily is transgender, and the swimsuit she picked out forced me into a conversation about what it would mean for her to wear it throughout the summer. The swimsuit itself wasn’t the issue; it was the societal expectations that prompted this discussion.
Understanding Gender Identity
Let me offer a brief explanation: At birth, children are assigned a gender based on their biological sex. If a child has a penis, they receive a male designation; if they have a vagina, a female marker. In cases where genitalia are ambiguous, the child may be labeled as intersex. However, as children grow, they express their gender identity, which may not align with their assigned gender at birth. This distinction is crucial; gender identity and biological sex are not the same. People whose gender identity aligns with their assigned gender are termed cisgender, while those whose identities do not match are transgender.
Lily was assigned male at birth, but from the age of 18 months, she expressed that she is a girl. We have always supported her unconditionally, listening and learning from her needs. We didn’t simply allow her to be who she wanted; we followed her lead. Lily wanted us to understand that she is a girl, and we have provided her with a safe environment to embrace her authentic self.
The Dilemma of Swimwear
However, when she came home clutching her new one-piece swimsuit, my heart sank. She was thrilled, and I knew I was about to dampen her excitement. At nearly six years old, she has a strong sense of autonomy and is aware when she is being nudged away from her preferences. In previous summers, we have gently guided her toward swimwear with skirts or ruffles to help conceal her anatomy, especially when wet.
This approach was never meant to shame her, but I often feel a deep sense of shame myself for having to impose these restrictions while encouraging her authenticity. I would never tell my daughters to avoid certain outfits to prevent unwanted attention—clothes don’t cause harm; people do. Yet, I find myself protecting one of my daughters from emotional distress and potential physical danger by steering her away from suits that may draw attention to her body. Her body is perfect—healthy, strong, and beautiful; she should have the freedom to wear age-appropriate clothing without regard to gender labels.
The Societal Challenge
The problem lies not with my daughter or her body, but with society itself. The misconception that gender and sex are interchangeable is problematic. Those who reject the validity of transgender identities, who think parents “allow” their children to be transgender, and those who judge and dismiss our experiences contribute to the issue. They rob my daughter and me of our dignity and self-worth.
In truth, Lily should be able to wear any bathing suit she desires. The challenge arises from the anticipation of how others may react, ranging from insensitive comments to outright hostility. This creates a layer of shame and fear that no one should experience when donning clothing.
A Heartfelt Conversation
When Lily revealed her new swimsuit to me, I exchanged a glance with her other mother that conveyed both surprise and resignation. She explained that she had discussed with Lily how typically, people with penises do not wear tight swimsuits, suggesting that covering up was a means of protection. While we joked about keeping our bodies secure, I sensed Lily’s enthusiasm waning.
She instinctively understood that the suit she adored might not be acceptable to me. Her suggestion to only wear it “with my family” spoke volumes; she recognized that the outline of her anatomy could be visible. My heart ached, knowing that such a simple act as choosing a swimsuit had transformed into a complex struggle for her self-esteem.
We encouraged her to consider her other swimsuits, which feature a rash guard that offers more coverage, making them practical for summer camp. Yet, in my mind, I envisioned scenarios where she might face ridicule or misunderstanding in a public bathroom, potentially shattering her spirit.
Embracing Differences
Lily is proud of who she is; she is a joyful child. But she is also aware that being transgender sets her apart. I want her to embrace her differences as something beautiful. I must fortify her confidence now, as there will inevitably come a time when she encounters transphobic remarks. It’s disheartening to know that a single negative comment can overshadow countless affirmations of love.
While my heart still aches from the conversation we had, we have a plan moving forward, and she seems to have adapted. As she matures and gains a deeper understanding of her choices and societal perceptions, she will have the autonomy to make her own wardrobe decisions.
Looking Ahead
For now, while I can still shield her from the harshness of the world, I choose to protect her by moderating her clothing options. But let me be clear: my daughter should not have to change. Society needs to evolve. People must broaden their understanding of gender and expression, moving past outdated norms to embrace acceptance. It’s time for self-reflection, as so many are missing out on the beauty of diversity.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we must work together to create an environment where every child, including those like my daughter, can flourish without fear or shame.