When you search for the term “equally,” the definition you find is “in the same manner or to the same extent.” This implies that all children should receive the same treatment, but I respectfully disagree. My approach to parenting is not about equal treatment; it’s about recognizing that my children are unique individuals with different needs.
I have a six-year-old son on the autism spectrum and two neurotypical identical twins. While I love all three of them equally, they each have distinct strengths and weaknesses that require different types of support from me. Rather than striving for equality, I focus on fairness—providing each child with the specific resources they need at any given moment.
For example, I wouldn’t give them varying amounts of candy, as that would lead to chaos and feelings of unfairness. However, the time, attention, and energy I allocate to each child can vary based on their individual circumstances. One day, one of the twins might require extra help due to feeling under the weather, while another day, the other twin may need my assistance with a school assignment.
This shift in perspective came from recognizing that trying to balance everything equally can overlook their unique differences. My energy and time are finite, and if I attempted to divide them equally, one child might end up feeling neglected. By being intentional about meeting their individual needs, I can manage my time more effectively and reduce my own stress.
I used to worry that my children weren’t receiving equal attention from both my partner and me. However, I’ve realized that there are times when they naturally gravitate toward one of us more. My partner and I each have strengths that suit different ages and phases of our children’s lives. For instance, I’m currently better equipped to handle our three-and-a-half-year-olds, while my partner was more adept with infants. By filling each other’s gaps, we ensure that our kids get the support they need at various stages—whether it be more cuddle time, snacks, or reading sessions.
The inspiration for this approach came from my mother-in-law, who has successfully navigated similar challenges. She has three children, each with different requirements. My partner, being the eldest, needed a great deal of attention as a homeschool student. His younger brother, while still needing support, was more independent and social. Their sister, eight years younger, is still in school and requires more one-on-one time. Even as adults, my mother-in-law strives to distribute her resources fairly based on her children’s current needs rather than trying to maintain an artificial equality.
By adopting this mindset, I’ve alleviated the pressure of making everything equal—especially with twins, where that pursuit can be overwhelming. Instead, I’ve created a nurturing environment where our family can thrive.
For more insights on similar topics, you can read our other blog posts such as this one on home insemination, which dives into different aspects of family growth. If you’re interested in pregnancy resources, I recommend checking out this excellent resource on genetics and IVF.
In summary, my experience with parenting has taught me the importance of treating my children fairly based on their unique needs rather than equally. This approach not only fosters a more balanced family dynamic but also helps me manage my own stress as a parent.