Like many married couples, my partner and I have plenty in common. We share similar values that we hope to instill in our children. At the age of 38, we consider ourselves spiritual yet not religious, enjoy outdoor activities without seeking extreme thrills, and both have a tendency to be a bit controlling (though I’m the only one willing to admit it). We’re self-aware, overly concerned about others’ opinions, and generally stick to the rules. In many respects, we could be seen as two halves of the same person.
When we tied the knot at 30, armed with the insights gained from our twenties, I believed our integration as a couple would be relatively seamless. Now, eight years later with three kids in tow, I’ve learned that even with shared interests, it doesn’t prevent one of us from giving the other a bewildered look at 1 a.m., as if they just arrived from another planet.
It’s taken time for me to grasp the underlying cause of many of our differences. Although we belong to the same ethnic background—something often thought to ease the path to marriage—we were raised in vastly different family environments. Family culture encompasses the shared habits, behaviors, and quirks that define each household.
Contrasting Family Cultures
One of the first signs of these contrasts became evident when I observed that my in-laws tend to keep their opinions largely to themselves, whereas my family is quite vocal. Topics ranging from my educational choices to my decision to marry and even my parenting style (did I mention I’m 38?) were always open for discussion. I believed this was a normal way to express love. After all, how would someone know they were loved if you didn’t engage personally with their decisions? For us, silence equated to indifference, and we’ve never been indifferent.
My in-laws certainly care about their children. They’re not uncaring, but they exercise a level of self-restraint that seems foreign to my family. They wait for their kids to ask for advice, while my parents would dive right in. If opinions aren’t sought out, my in-laws tend to nod along and move on. Imagine which one of us drafts a comprehensive six-point plan to help our six-year-old handle a bully, while the other offers little more than an “uh-huh.”
Self-Care and Tough Love
If self-care were an Olympic sport, my family would be swimming in gold medals. I can’t recall a single moment on my parents’ couch when my mother didn’t rush to cover me with a cozy blanket. The slightest hint of illness would have me pampered with soups, teas, and snacks. This nurturing extended into adulthood; when I developed chronic shoulder pain from carrying the kids, my sister earnestly suggested I schedule a weekly massage. Her suggestion wasn’t made in jest. Though well-meaning, this approach left us with a low tolerance for discomfort.
Conversely, my in-laws view massages as nearly unnatural. “What do you mean someone applies oil all over my near-naked body and rubs it?” my mother-in-law, nearing 70, would exclaim. She prides herself on her ability to clean the house, cook, play music, walk for miles, do yoga, and even knit, all in one “lazy” day. After a relaxing weekend with the kids, my husband often descends into a mild funk on Sunday nights about not having been “productive.” I, however, feel no such pangs of guilt.
While my family coddles at the slightest sneeze, my husband’s family believes in toughing it out. When I mention a headache, he looks at me as if I’ve just spoken an alien language. They simply don’t get sick; they walk it off. My mother-in-law, as I write this, is recovering from a pneumonia diagnosis after months of self-treating it with ginger and lemon tea. “I’m not sick,” she insisted for months, dismissing her symptoms as merely a bothersome tickle in her throat. Now that we have children, I enforce a strict jackets-on policy during winter, while my husband remains blissfully unaware of the weather. When our kids are unwell, I cuddle them on the couch with their favorite shows—my version of R&R—while he suggests a bike ride to fight off the flu.
Financial Perspectives
In addition to their productivity, my in-laws excel at managing their finances. My family, on the other hand, tends to adopt a spend-first mentality. The idea of saving was foreign to me until well into my career, while my husband was already investing by the time he graduated high school. Recently, while preparing for a trip, I was shopping with my mom when I mentioned needing shorts but having little time. She spent ten minutes trying to convince me to buy a beautiful coat for the flight. I reiterated that I had no need for a costly new coat, but the connection between my urgency and her suggestion seemed lost on her.
While my in-laws excel in financial management, their attachment to possessions is fascinating. They hold onto everything from decades-old toys to expired bottles of witch hazel. In contrast, my family is quick to declutter; I’ve lost many items to Goodwill thanks to my mother’s well-intentioned donations. Meanwhile, my husband finds it charming that he still has sweaters from high school.
Pet Peeves and Quirks
The differences we bring into our marriage can be daunting yet also entertaining. They often surface as pet peeves—quirks that are rarely logical and frequently provoke a reaction that the aggrieved party believes is justified, even if they’re alone in that belief. These pet peeves, often rooted in our childhood experiences, can lead to humorous moments. For instance, one day, my husband reacted passionately when our son simply rested his hand on a white wall. While his hand was clean, my husband seemed ready to explode. Years later, I witnessed my mother-in-law spring into action when my nephew rested his hands on her pristine wall, finally uncovering the source of my husband’s peculiar annoyance.
My family is not without its own set of quirks. One that particularly amuses my husband is our unofficial seating arrangement. When our extended family gathers for weekly dinners, we each sit in the same spots we’ve occupied for years. My husband, however, unknowingly sat in my mother’s spot one day, resulting in an unsettling silence and lack of eye contact from everyone. To this day, he occasionally takes the risk of sitting in the “wrong” place just to stir things up.
Embracing Differences
While differences in a marriage can be intimidating, they ultimately serve as a blessing. They provide a continuous source of amusement amidst the routine of life and require us to exercise compromise and tolerance. I believe this balance is essential for our children; when they see me getting worked up over someone parking in my space, while their dad remains calm and collected, they might learn to find their own middle ground.
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In summary, the dynamics of marriage involve navigating the complexities of differing family cultures, which can lead to both challenges and humor. Embracing these differences not only enriches our own relationship but also provides valuable lessons for our children.