The last time I spoke with my mother was on June 19, 2020. I can’t recall what prompted me to call her. My family and I were on vacation, enjoying the tranquility of the upstate countryside, with scenic hikes and leisurely boat rides. It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining, and I was sipping iced coffee while wandering down Main Street. The stillness in the air felt unusual for me.
Given my mother’s precarious mental health, this call could’ve easily waited. My therapist always emphasized setting boundaries, but something compelled me to dial her number that morning.
For twenty minutes, our conversation meandered through topics like politics, Netflix, and the pandemic. It quickly became apparent that something was seriously wrong. Her speech was disjointed and slurred, with words spilling into one another. She was paranoid, convinced her neighbor had it out for her and that President Trump would lead her to her demise. She repeated herself incessantly. I listened, trying to remain calm and collected, but frustration crept in, and I cut our talk short.
I said, “I love you. Take care.” But she wasn’t okay; she was intoxicated, and this particular episode would mark a turning point. Just days later, I found her unresponsive, face down in her own vomit.
It feels bleak to admit I expected this outcome, but the reality is my mother had been unwell for a long time. In the ’90s, she battled anxiety and depression without professional help. By 2010, she began self-medicating with alcohol. After losing her job in 2013, her meager income went toward drinking rather than basic needs.
Her mental state deteriorated further over the years. She became increasingly despondent, irritable, and consumed by anger. She would either sleep excessively or not at all, and her personal hygiene suffered. I tried to assist her both emotionally and financially, desperately wishing I could mend her brokenness.
Caring for a parent with mental illness and addiction feels like an all-consuming struggle. You do everything in your power to save them—from their illness and their own worst impulses. You offer help, suggest doctor visits, and stage interventions, always reminding them that they are not alone. You grapple with the weight of their addiction, mourning the loss of the mother you once knew while she is still alive. You cling to hope, desperately needing it to push through.
The reality of caring for a mentally ill, alcoholic parent often means sending texts filled with anxiety, holding your breath while waiting for a response that may never arrive. The silence can signify danger; it might mean they are passed out or worse.
There’s also a deep sense of shame involved. I kept my mother’s struggles hidden, fearing judgment from others. Confusion reigns as I try to reconcile who my mother was with who she has become. I long for the vibrant woman described by my relatives, but all I see is someone lost in her illness.
The experience is incredibly draining. It demands immense emotional strength to keep moving forward, whether alongside your parent or away from them. Guilt often accompanies this journey; how can I step back from someone who is suffering? Yet, I realized I could not help her unless she chose to seek help for herself.
Does it hurt? Absolutely. The pain is still raw. She deserved more, and so did I. I grieve the potential relationship we could have shared, the mother she could have been. I attend therapy to navigate this pain and openly discuss my feelings with my children about their grandmother. In my heart, I know her death wasn’t anyone’s fault.
She was hurting, she was unwell, and that’s the hardest part of caring for a parent who struggles with mental illness and alcoholism. Understanding this doesn’t lessen the pain or discomfort, nor does it bring her back. But acceptance can offer a measure of peace.
For those seeking more information on related topics, check out this excellent resource for insights on mental health and home insemination, and consider visiting this site for authoritative guidance on self-insemination. You can also explore this other blog post for additional support and resources.
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Summary:
Caring for a parent with mental illness and alcoholism is a deeply challenging experience that involves emotional turmoil, confusion, and guilt. It requires setting boundaries for one’s own mental health while holding onto hope for their recovery. The situation often leads to feelings of shame and mourning for the relationship that could have been, all while managing the pain of their ongoing struggles. Acceptance and understanding can provide some peace amidst the chaos.