Every time someone discovers that I have four children and that I homeschool them in both Chinese and English, they label me as a Super Mom or seek my guidance, as if my fertility magically endowed me with exceptional parenting abilities. I attempt to clarify that I’m, in fact, a rather average parent, but they insist that I’m simply being humble.
To be completely honest: I’m not being humble at all. I genuinely wish I were. I wish I could downplay all the chaos I manage, but the reality is that I follow a philosophy of benign neglect in my parenting style. When I mention that I often don’t see my kids for extended periods and spend most of my time in bed typing on my laptop while indulging in everything related to the K-pop group BTS, I’m being completely truthful. Yes, even during this pandemic.
I want to clarify that I’m not making light of actual neglect—that is a serious issue. My children are well cared for in terms of housing, food, clothing, and hygiene (though I might stretch the truth a bit on that last one). They might be getting a minimal education, but let’s be real: 2020 has left most children under-educated as it is. Thankfully, their father (my long-suffering partner) shares the parental load, providing some much-needed adult supervision.
My oldest child will soon turn eleven, and my youngest is four, so I’ve certainly put in my time. I’ve done the breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and homemade organic baby food thing. I took them to the park daily and participated in years of Mandarin classes. I enrolled my kids in all kinds of activities, always racing them from one event to another.
Honestly, it’s been especially beneficial for my youngest. He’s a true survivor; at just three and a half, he learned to microwave frozen chicken nuggets! It’s no small feat for a little one to open the freezer, find a plate, and reach the microwave. (He even ate them frozen for a while until he figured out how to use a stool. My tears of pride over that accomplishment are real!)
Isn’t the ultimate goal of parenting to raise independent individuals who can manage on their own instead of floundering when they leave the comforts of home? If necessity is the mother of invention, then my refusal to handle every little task for my children is actually a way of teaching them essential life skills. You can’t convince me otherwise.
And let me tell you, future partners and roommates of my children will thank me. My kids (even the seven-year-old) can do laundry, change their sheets, put away groceries, clean dishes, take out the trash, sort mail (the hardest task of them all), and even cook.
I’m thrilled to say that I haven’t cooked for my children in months.
First of all, they’re not fans of my cooking, which is a bit hurtful, given the minimal effort I put in. I’m actually a decent cook—I just don’t see the point in wasting my talents on such ungrateful diners. My husband merely says, “It’s okay.” If all I get in response to my cooking is “it’s okay,” then they’re stuck with microwaved burritos that they must buy themselves.
Secondly, after showing my older children how to cook eggs, instant ramen, and fry Spam, I figured they were ready for college. Toss in a veggie (but why?), and it’s a balanced meal, right?
Moreover, I can manage this because I’ve stocked our kitchen with accessible foods and utensils, teaching my kids how to prepare meals safely and encouraging them to be self-sufficient. Now they can even make me food, and while their menu might be limited, any meal I don’t have to prepare is the best meal ever. It’s science!
Of course, this isn’t a flawless system. There have been a few minor burns and broken dishes, but I believe that pain can be a great teacher. Sure, they might be missing some crucial nutrients, but that’s what multivitamins are for, right? Isn’t modern living wonderful?
Now that my husband bought the kids a budget-friendly phone from Amazon, I’ve achieved the dream of texting my children, which means I never have to leave my room or engage in face-to-face conversations again.
You might wonder, “How can I also raise independent yet slightly wild children?” Well, the secret to mastering this unconventional parenting style is becoming comfortable with despair and defeat. You must accept that your kids won’t excel at the skills you’re trying to teach them and resist the urge to simply do it for them. It’s like when you first trained your partner to load the dishwasher to your standards. Eventually, you have to ask yourself what matters more: that the dishes get cleaned by you or that they’re cleaned at all.
I consistently choose not to do it. Every. Single. Time.
As a bonus, my children are now all excellent negotiators, and my oldest is adept at managing both up and down. Whenever he has homework, he will either tackle it himself, delegate, or remind me that he needs my presence to complete it. Often, I tell him he can skip it because I don’t want to do it, either—so now it’s my fault and not his!
If that isn’t a reflection of the daily grind of an office worker, I don’t know what is. Isn’t that what we all hope to raise? Capable office workers?
Judge me if you like, but I’m one of the happier and more content mothers I know, and that’s because I prioritize my own well-being. Some might call it selfish, but I consider it a gift.
If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, don’t forget to check out one of our other blog posts here. Also, for more information on at-home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom. Additionally, for an excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, see UCSF’s IVF page.
Summary
This article humorously explores the author’s unconventional parenting style of benign neglect, arguing that giving children independence fosters essential life skills. The author reflects on her experiences raising four children, emphasizing their ability to manage daily tasks and cook for themselves, while also acknowledging the chaos and imperfections of her approach.
Probable Search Queries:
- How to raise independent children
- Parenting styles of benign neglect
- Tips for homeschooling multiple children
- Benefits of teaching kids to cook
- Balancing parenting and personal time