Living with my three teenagers, who opted for entirely online learning this year, means I’m often around them, as I work from home. However, our interactions are surprisingly minimal. Just this morning, I caught a glimpse of my oldest son for a brief five minutes while he grabbed breakfast. After my shower, I checked on my daughter, who was engrossed in a math lesson on her computer, and my youngest was mysteriously quiet, presumably enjoying his own space.
Initially, their retreat to their rooms left me feeling a bit heartbroken. I used to cherish our snack-filled after-school chats, but now, they often give me mere shrugs in response to my inquiries about their day, disappearing back to their rooms until dinner. I found myself knocking on doors, offering treats, and feeling a profound sense of loneliness.
One moment, I had three exuberant kids who loved outings to Starbucks and Target, and the next, they seemed to prefer their rooms over family time. I often wished for quieter days when they were younger, but when those days arrived, it felt alien and unsettling.
Through conversations with other parents of teens, I’ve learned that these behaviors are typical. It’s not a reflection on me as a parent. Teenagers are focused on their own lives, craving time with friends (even if it’s online), and exploring their identities outside the family unit.
While this phase can be challenging, I’ve come to realize that giving them space is not only acceptable but beneficial. If they’re holed up in their rooms, it’s likely a reflection of their need for solitude. This doesn’t mean I ignore them; I still check in and express my support and love, even if they don’t respond.
My youngest, now 14, has transformed his room into a personal haven, complete with special lighting and a mini fridge. When my older kids were his age, I struggled with their desire for solitude. I questioned what it meant for their well-being and my parenting style. I often smothered them with my concern, which only pushed them further away.
Eventually, I learned that giving them the freedom to be alone was the key to fostering a healthier relationship. Now, my 17 and 15-year-olds emerge more often and engage in conversations. They may not be the same children I once knew, but they are evolving into their own individuals, and that’s perfectly okay.
All teenagers need their space, and it’s important for us parents to understand that this is a natural part of their development. They know they can join us whenever they wish, but they might not always want to. Allowing them that freedom will lead to more meaningful connections in the long run.
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