This time of year is my absolute favorite. I cherish every aspect of the holidays, and on good days, I feel most like myself while surrounded by festive treats and gleaming lights. The joy I get from baking, decorating, and having holiday movies on a loop is unparalleled. As soon as the festivities conclude, I find myself eagerly counting the days until I can do it all over again. Last year, after stowing away the Christmas decorations, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I attempted to reassure my kids, saying, “Before we know it, it’ll be February. I start my decorations and Christmas films around Halloween, so really, I only have to wait nine months!” My youngest hugged me, clearly out of pity.
However, my love for holiday cheer doesn’t erase my anxiety; in fact, it seems to amplify during this season. I didn’t recognize this until about two decades ago when I was in the shower and nearly had a panic attack over how I would manage to buy gifts for everyone, host a cookie exchange, plan a craft night, purchase decorations, and prepare Christmas dinner. I wanted to accomplish it all, yet my mind was trapped in a cycle of worry about finances and logistics.
Mornings became a race against the clock, and weekends were filled with tasks instead of joy. My then-fiancé remarked, with a hint of frustration, that I was ruining his holiday spirit. I insisted I was simply excited, which is why I couldn’t sleep. He replied, “This isn’t excitement; it’s anxiety.” Unfortunately, he wasn’t wrong.
My heart raced, and I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy the very things I loved. It felt like an endless cycle of worry, where the pressure to create an amazing experience led me to exhaustion. The burden of high-functioning anxiety during the holidays makes it seem like I must fulfill every obligation. I want to share joy with my family and friends, but I often find myself overwhelmed.
During family movie nights in matching pajamas, I’m reminded of the cookies I still owe our neighbors, adding to my stress. I apply standards to myself that I would never impose on others, believing I can handle it all. Yet when I struggle, I feel like a failure.
Even when I set out to enjoy something relaxing, I find it difficult to engage. My family grows impatient with me because I’m frustrated they aren’t decorating the tree correctly or disagreeing over our Christmas dinner menu. I can’t help but feel that everything must be perfect, and that responsibility weighs heavily on me.
Growing up, my mother was always tense during the holidays, and I hated being around her because it stole the joy from the season. I don’t want to be the person who diminishes the magic for my children. Yes, I want to do a lot during the holidays, but I also have to manage my anxiety. It’s a constant struggle to differentiate between doing things out of joy and doing them out of obligation or fear of missing out.
Years ago, my partner highlighted that my feelings weren’t just excitement; they were rooted in anxiety. Many people experience this but often fail to recognize that taking time to savor the moment is essential. I work on finding that balance every year, and while it may always be a challenge, those of us with high-functioning anxiety are resilient and resourceful. As we navigate this holiday season, let’s be gentle with ourselves and learn to let go of perfection.
If you’re interested in exploring more about managing anxiety during this season, you can check out this other blog post. For insights on enhancing fertility, Make A Mom is a great resource. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent information on pregnancy and infertility here.
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Summary
The holiday season can be a double-edged sword for those with high-functioning anxiety, where the desire for perfection leads to overwhelming stress. It’s essential to recognize this anxiety and find ways to enjoy the festivities without succumbing to pressure. By acknowledging our feelings and letting go of the need for perfection, we can create a more joyful holiday experience.