Parenting can be a challenging journey, especially when it comes to discipline. I often struggled with this aspect of raising my children. Growing up, I feared making mistakes or crossing boundaries, as I experienced strict discipline. When I became a parent, I was determined to avoid such methods but was unprepared for my children’s persistent questioning of my authority. I often wondered why they couldn’t simply make life easier by following my instructions.
However, that’s not how it works. Children possess their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Adults sometimes dismiss their children’s reactions to seemingly trivial issues, like not being able to use a favorite fork, and we may not always respond appropriately when our kids have meltdowns over these small matters. Despite having years of parenting experience, I still find myself flustered when my kids behave in ways I don’t comprehend or expect.
I recall a time when my daughter was upset due to a conflict with a friend at school. She was irritable and refused to do her chores. Instead of taking a moment to understand her feelings, my initial response was to discipline her by taking away her phone. I was frustrated with her behavior and simply wanted her to complete her chores without considering what she was going through.
I certainly don’t deserve a Parent of the Year award, but we’re all learning as we go, right?
From the beginning, I instinctively reacted to my children’s misbehavior by either giving in or punishing them. Many parents can relate — who wouldn’t want their toddler, throwing a tantrum in the store because they can’t have a cookie, to just quiet down?
Then I came across an enlightening article by parenting expert Sarah Turner, titled “The Discipline Strategy That Stops Tantrums and Bossy Behavior in Its Tracks”. It truly opened my eyes to a different approach. Turner emphasizes that acknowledging and validating our children’s emotions can be more effective than offering bribes or punishment.
She suggests starting sentences with phrases like, “It sounds like…” or “It seems you feel…” followed by an appropriate emotion. Children are often eager to correct us if we misinterpret their feelings. By maintaining our boundaries while expressing empathy, we show our kids that it’s acceptable to experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, or frustration. These feelings are part of being human, and we wouldn’t want to be punished for them.
It can be overwhelming and embarrassing when children express their feelings so publicly. It’s arguably one of the most exhausting aspects of parenting, which is why it’s a common topic of discussion. Turner explains that when we feel out of control and simply want misbehavior to cease, we often lower our boundaries, which can create insecurity in our children as they perceive a shift in family dynamics.
Upon reflection, I recognized many instances where I had failed by bending the rules to keep the peace. However, I also recalled times when I successfully implemented this understanding. For example, my son was still in diapers at four years old, and potty training was a significant struggle. One day at the beach, he had a messy accident, and despite his protests, I had to change him. He kicked and screamed, but I acknowledged his frustration and promised to be quick so he could return to playing with his friends.
Afterward, he apologized and expressed that he just liked being in diapers. That night, he independently used the potty for the first time. Acknowledging his feelings helped him feel empowered to make choices.
This approach resonates with adults too. If it reduces tantrums and reinforces boundaries while allowing our kids to feel heard, it’s beneficial for everyone involved.
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Summary:
Navigating the emotional landscape of parenting can be daunting, especially when dealing with challenging behaviors. By recognizing and validating our children’s feelings rather than resorting to punishment or yielding to their demands, we can foster their emotional development and maintain healthy boundaries. This approach not only promotes understanding but also empowers children to make decisions and manage their emotions effectively.