Updated: Dec. 19, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 17, 2020
When I was expecting my first daughter at the tender age of 17, formula feeding felt like my only option. Juggling my senior year as a single teen mom and a less-than-stellar waitressing job at a local diner, relying on formula seemed most practical. To my surprise, no one seemed to question my choice. Perhaps it was the pitying attitude people had towards my situation: “As long as the baby is fed, what else can we expect?” Looking back, I realize I was let off the hook rather easily.
Fast forward ten years; I am now married and expecting again, this time with a stable home-based career and a life that feels more secure. Despite this ideal scenario (and trust me, it took a lot of effort to get here), I find myself facing judgment for one decision: I’ve chosen to exclusively pump or possibly formula-feed our newborn, depending on how the pumping goes.
When I decided to give pumping a try, I felt like I had achieved a personal victory, ready to provide my baby with the highly praised breastmilk. To the common question, “Are you going to breastfeed?” I would confidently say, “Yes, but I’ll be exclusively pumping.” Unfortunately, this often led to disapproving looks or dismissive comments like, “Oh, well okay, but you know…” followed by unsolicited advice.
Isn’t breastmilk, regardless of how it’s delivered, still beneficial? I quickly felt the need to justify my choice—one I believed was best for both my child and myself. Yet, I found it challenging to explain my decision without exposing my vulnerabilities, which would only intensify their judgments. So, I crafted a few alternative reasons for my choice: my husband could help more with bottle-feeding, especially during exhausting nights; it fits our family’s dynamics better; and it allows me to monitor her intake more effectively.
However, the response was rarely supportive. Instead, I often heard, “But breastfeeding is a bonding experience. Don’t you want that?” Really? As if I’d prefer not to bond with the child I carried for nine months! To be fair, she has already turned my life upside down, and I doubt a few moments of breastfeeding would magically change that. I bonded beautifully with my first daughter, who thrived on her bottles.
Another frequent piece of unsolicited advice was, “You should just try it and see. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” That’s where I draw the line. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I’ve always struggled with certain forms of touch. Research suggests that many survivors face similar challenges, often impacting their ability to breastfeed. It’s crucial to remember: it’s your body, your baby, your choice!
“It’s the most natural thing in the world,” some people would say, including my well-meaning husband. The thought of such a “natural” act made my skin crawl. What isn’t natural is reliving the trauma while trying to nourish my child. The guilt can be overwhelming. I’ve grappled for years with discomfort around my chest and arms, even trying to breastfeed my firstborn in the hospital due to pressure from a nurse.
Ten years later, I’m still battling the remnants of my past traumas, struggling to overcome mental barriers. The thought of handling a breast pump or allowing my newborn to latch on fills me with dread.
That said, I am trying. I want to pursue options for my child without letting my past dictate my choices. I’m attempting to sift through the unsolicited suggestions and find wisdom in them. I want to be a good mother while confronting my own challenges.
“Just push through. It’s temporary, but the benefits last forever.” While some women can muster the resolve to endure the challenges of breastfeeding, others shouldn’t be penalized for their feelings. A confident and comfortable mother is invaluable. You must prioritize what makes you feel secure, or it will only lead to stress for both you and your baby.
I’m uncertain whether pumping will work out for me, but if it doesn’t, I know my child won’t suffer from not having breastmilk. My first daughter may be a bit quirky—she talks to inanimate objects and pretends to be a cape-wearing eagle—but I highly doubt her unusual habits stem from formula feeding.
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In summary, my journey through motherhood has been shaped by my past experiences, particularly regarding breastfeeding. While I have chosen to pump or potentially formula feed, I want to emphasize the importance of personal choice, comfort, and mental well-being in parenting. Every mother’s path is unique, and it’s crucial to prioritize what works best for you and your child.