I can pinpoint the exact date my partner passed away from brain cancer—February 3, 2018—down to the minute—9:37 p.m. I remember every detail of that moment, the moments leading up to it, and the many agonizing moments that followed. At first glance, it might appear that my loss is clear-cut, with a specific time and date marking when it occurred. However, the nature of my grief is both finite and indefinite.
On the day of the funeral, I gazed at him and thought, “That’s not my partner.” Grief and denial certainly played a role, but brain cancer had robbed him of his smile, humor, and essence long before that day. I had lost him well before February 3rd. The man I married was almost unrecognizable from the person I watched take his final breath, leaving me feeling disoriented and heartbroken.
This likely explains why, during my first year as a widow, I searched tirelessly for the exact moment I truly lost him. I combed through our emails, text messages, and photographs, trying to pinpoint when he vanished from my life. Yet, I couldn’t find a definitive date; I realized I lost him gradually, in the days and weeks leading to his unconscious state in hospice.
It wasn’t until I encountered the term “ambiguous loss” that I began to grasp the need to contextualize my grief. This term encapsulated the feeling of losing him even while he was still physically present. Understanding this concept allowed me to process my emotions and alleviate the guilt of not knowing the precise moment I lost him.
Ambiguous loss is a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota and author of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief. It describes a type of loss that lacks closure and clear understanding, manifesting in two primary forms.
Types of Ambiguous Loss
The first is physical ambiguous loss, which occurs when a loved one goes missing for various tragic reasons, such as kidnapping, war, or natural disasters; it can also arise from more common situations like divorce. The second type is psychological absence, where the loved one is still physically present but emotionally or cognitively unreachable, often due to conditions like Alzheimer’s, addiction, depression, or, as in my case, brain cancer.
In both scenarios, individuals grappling with loss are left with unresolved questions and may feel stuck in their grief. Before learning about ambiguous loss, my unsettling feelings were vague and boundless. Naming it helped me categorize and understand my experience.
Dr. Boss emphasized the importance of naming one’s loss in an interview with The Atlantic. She mentioned, “You can’t cope with something until you have a name for it.” While she was discussing losses related to the pandemic, her words resonate on a broader scale. I couldn’t truly begin to cope with my husband’s loss until I recognized the dual nature of my grief as both finite and ambiguous.
Most importantly, naming my loss offered a sense of universality. My quest to pinpoint an exact time and date for a loss that may never conform to such specifics felt isolating. Realizing that others have experienced similar feelings made my burden lighter.
Ambiguous loss is a complex form of grief. Recognizing what it is and how it manifests can aid in the healing process. I now understand that I lost not only his physical presence on February 3 at 9:37 p.m. but also the essence of who he was long before that moment, and I am grieving both losses. Acknowledging that grief can be both finite and ambiguous has made it easier for me to breathe, mourn, and move forward while cherishing our memories.
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Summary
Ambiguous loss, a term introduced by Dr. Pauline Boss, describes a type of grief that lacks closure and can occur due to physical absence or emotional detachment. It manifests uniquely for each person, leaving them grappling with unresolved feelings and questions. Recognizing this nuanced form of loss can aid in the healing process, ultimately allowing individuals to cope with their grief more effectively.