“Honestly, I can’t always be the bad guy,” my partner sighed, clearly frustrated after yet another shouting match with our four-year-old. Our son had just thrown a massive tantrum, tossing everything he could reach over what seemed like a trivial matter to us but was undoubtedly monumental in his little world. When he was called out for the mess, he stood his ground defiantly.
Just moments later, he emerged with rosy cheeks and a sparkle in his eyes, looking up at me with a mischievous grin. “Mommy, I love you so much!” he exclaimed, and I couldn’t help but scoop him up in a hug, my heart melting.
“See? He always runs to you after trouble,” my partner muttered. “I need your support.”
“Alright, I’ll do my best to be firmer,” I agreed. I understood the importance of presenting a united front in our parenting, especially after being together nonstop during the daycare closure due to the pandemic. Yet, balancing nurturing with discipline was proving tougher than I had anticipated.
I grew up in a household where silence reigned supreme. My immigrant father practiced extreme “tiger parenting,” demanding unwavering obedience and suppressing emotional expression, especially anything deemed negative. The idea of feeling or sharing emotions was often seen as selfish.
When my child was born, I vowed to nurture him with all my might and ensure he felt loved and appreciated at every turn. I wanted him to relish a joyful childhood, learn to assert himself, and grow into a well-rounded adult capable of thriving in any environment. “I want his upbringing to be the complete opposite of mine,” I told my partner.
I find so much joy in caring for my son and showering him with love and encouragement. I strive to give him autonomy in daily choices, whether it’s selecting the playground, deciding on lunch, or choosing games to play. I happily play the “first mate” in our pirate adventures and follow his lead in basketball practice. My goal has been to build up his “self-esteem,” a concept that seemed elusive in my own upbringing.
“Self-esteem? What a ridiculous notion,” my father would scoff if I mentioned wanting to instill it in my son. Yet, despite my Ivy League education and MBA, my self-doubt and lack of confidence held me back in many of my jobs, resulting in frequent job changes that continued into my 30s. It took a conscious effort to embrace my capabilities before I finally secured a senior leadership role.
Despite my efforts, I still struggled to discipline my son, even during his most trying moments. The hurt and shock on his face when I raised my voice reminded me too much of my own childhood pain and left me heartbroken.
I realized I was becoming overly indulgent as a parent. However, I noticed that modern parenting trends seemed to support my approach. At preschool, teachers preferred “redirecting” children rather than punishing them, and time-outs were deemed traumatic.
Most of the time, our son behaved well for his age, throwing tantrums infrequently. But when he did, his outbursts were intense, sometimes leading to him throwing toys and even furniture. After such incidents, we’d find his room in disarray, our son glaring at us from his bed.
I worried about how he’d fare in kindergarten, fearing he might embody the “only child syndrome.” More importantly, I aimed to prepare him for a world filled with challenges and setbacks, as well as abundant opportunities.
In recent months, we’ve made strides as a family. While we avoid yelling whenever possible, we also don’t beat ourselves up when we slip. My partner and I are trying to remain calm and firm during interventions, helping our son understand the consequences of his actions and allowing him to express his feelings afterward.
Interestingly, our four-year-old played a role in shaping our new approach. After a particularly rough tantrum, I noticed he still seemed upset hours later. “What’s bothering you?” I asked gently. “You seem sad.”
“It really upset me when Daddy yelled,” he replied sincerely. In that moment, I had retreated as my partner took the lead.
“What do you want us to do when you’re acting out?” I asked.
“Just tell me to breathe and calm down and remind me about how I emptied your bucket,” he suggested, referencing a popular children’s story about feelings. I was taken aback by his insight, realizing that even young children can reason better than we often give them credit for.
We’re developing a discipline strategy that feels right for our family—one that is both considerate and firm, nurturing while also teaching boundaries. My partner and I have almost reached the point where we approach discipline as a cohesive unit.
Now, the concept of discipline no longer sends me into a panic. Perhaps I can even credit my strict upbringing for motivating me to explore various parenting styles and their effects. My partner is glad to be viewed as the “hero” in our son’s eyes rather than the antagonist.
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In summary, navigating the waters of parenting while overcoming the legacy of my own strict upbringing has been a journey. By understanding my fears and adapting my style, my partner and I are working toward a balanced approach to discipline—one that is compassionate yet firm.