When I tell my 4-year-old things like, “Please don’t crash the skateboard into your little brother,” or “No, we’re not taking the couch cushions off,” he pouts and accuses me of being unfair. On his more diplomatic days, he expresses that he dislikes my words. Yes, he feels offended by my parenting, which honestly seems ridiculous because I’ve always aimed to discipline gently and with respect.
Four years ago, I immersed myself in the world of attachment parenting, driven by the desire to comfort my baby at every turn. Attachment parenting promotes co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and baby-wearing, giving the impression that a parent must respond to every tear or cry as if it were a call for help. This approach felt warm and loving until I found myself utterly exhausted, feeling lost in the process. I began to realize that I needed to reclaim my own identity outside of motherhood. I wanted to wake up and leave the bed without worrying that my little one would sense my absence and demand immediate attention. While I aimed to meet my son’s needs, I also wanted to honor my own.
As time went by, I began to understand the importance of establishing boundaries. Embracing concepts like mother-led weaning and sleep training was a game changer for me! However, adjusting to this new mindset meant I had to accept more crying, which was a challenge. I had to rethink my responses to my children’s tears. I strive to be a firm parent with high expectations, but that often means my child is unhappy, and dealing with that is tough!
There are moments when I feel tempted to give in just to avoid his displeasure. But I’ve learned that allowing him to confront his feelings is a vital part of parenting. I never want my children to experience unnecessary distress, and I’m always there to provide love and comfort. Still, I’ve come to realize that crying has its place.
I witnessed this firsthand when my 3-year-old fell while running on the sidewalk. When he started to cry, I offered him ice, a Band-Aid, or some animal crackers, but he simply shook his head and said, “No, I just want to cry.” It struck me then that tears can be a form of healing. Research shows that crying can release stress-reducing chemicals, improve mood, and is a natural response not just to physical pain but also to emotional turmoil.
Acknowledging this has made me less inclined to rush in and “rescue” him from his negative feelings. While I will always support him during his moments of sadness, I now understand that I can enforce rules, redirect behavior, and set boundaries without feeling the need to shield him from disappointment. I’ve learned that it’s not kindness to protect my children from negative emotions; instead, it’s about helping them learn to cope and navigate through them.
When I say “no,” I accept his emotional reactions because I understand that being permissive does not create a happy child or a healthy relationship. Children need to know that their parents can lead them. There are definitely times when he resists this, and I’ve even been labeled a “Mean Mommy,” but I know he ultimately needs that security. While he might think he craves total freedom, deep down, he desires to trust that I will guide him appropriately.
Respecting my son does not mean treating him as my equal. I offer him choices, but they are within reasonable limits. For example, he doesn’t choose his bedtime, but he can decide whether to read one book or two. He doesn’t dictate what’s for dinner (lollipops are not on the menu!), but he can choose how much he eats. There was a time when I gave him too much leeway in the name of respect. Now, when I tell him no, whether it’s about breaking crayons or refusing to prepare a snack right after lunch, I allow him to express his feelings. This acceptance does not come from bending the rules to keep him happy but rather from understanding that it’s okay to feel upset.
I used to confuse empathetic parenting with the idea that I needed to shield my kids from negative experiences. Now, I recognize that empathetic parenting involves acknowledging their feelings without jumping in to fix everything. I’ve learned to say, “It’s okay to be upset. You can scream, but let’s do it in your room or outside. Once you’re done, we can talk and hug.” I want my son to accept his feelings, but I will not allow myself to be his emotional punching bag. I can say, “You can feel grumpy, but you cannot speak to me disrespectfully.”
Understanding why my child behaves a certain way is not the same as allowing unacceptable behavior. While it’s my job to love and care for him, I also have to teach him appropriate ways to express and manage his emotions. Kids can sometimes use their emotions to manipulate, and by showing him I’m okay with his tears, I help diminish that power.
I’ve become more comfortable saying “no,” especially since there have been many times I didn’t say it early enough and ended up feeling overwhelmed. Just the other day, he requested a specific shirt and his soccer socks, along with wanting to wear his cleats and shin guards. As I was already feeling stressed with my morning tasks, I reminded myself, “Don’t get overwhelmed trying to please him. Just say no.”
I genuinely enjoy saying “yes” when I can, but it must come from a place of comfort. I now prioritize authenticity over merely being nice. By establishing boundaries, I communicate respect for myself, and in turn, my son learns to respect himself and others. After all, we are our children’s role models.
I once thought I needed to make my son happy at all costs, but I now understand that his challenges often present opportunities for growth and learning. By standing firm, I convey trust, which is the essence of respectful parenting. I say “no” because I care about both his well-being and my own.
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Summary
Teaching respect to children involves setting firm boundaries and accepting their emotional responses. While it can be challenging to see them upset, allowing them to express their feelings is essential for their emotional growth. By saying “no,” parents demonstrate leadership and help children learn to cope with disappointment and frustration. Establishing these principles ensures a healthier parent-child relationship and teaches children self-respect.