It was a brisk, sunny Wednesday afternoon, and my 12-year-old son was riding shotgun as we made our way home from the library, where he had just picked up a few new books. We were jamming to the latest hits on the radio and chatting in between songs when, without any warning, he blurted out, “Mom, do girls actually like being choked during sex?”
Somehow, I managed to keep the car steady and maintain a semblance of calm as I responded, “That’s an intriguing question, thanks for bringing it up.”
After a brief internal panic and a few silent prayers for guidance, I took a deep breath and pressed on, “Where did you hear that?”
“Nick mentioned it to all of us in the locker room last night.”
It wasn’t unusual for my son to share the bizarre things he picked up from school, the locker room, or online. We’ve turned it into a sort of game called “fact-checking your clueless friends.” Our kids often come to us to verify the wild claims from their peers, and we usually get a good laugh out of the absurdity of what they believe.
If my son took even half of what his friends said seriously, he’d think that his growth would halt at thirteen or that getting kicked in the groin is far worse than childbirth, among other ridiculous boy myths. I can only imagine how long he’s been walking around puzzled, thinking every girl he sees is into choking.
Though I was a bit taken aback by this explicit inquiry, I appreciated that he chose to approach me instead of just taking his friends at their word or Googling it. The second search result could have led him to a Men’s Health article promoting choking during sex, while the third was likely a Glamour piece discussing a woman’s experiences with “submission choking.”
Given the alternatives of letting his friends mislead him or having him conduct a potentially dangerous online search, I’d much rather have him ask me directly about such sensitive topics while we’re cruising down the highway.
We’ve always believed that honesty, tailored to their age, is the best policy for our children. We never used euphemisms for body parts or told them fairy tales about how babies arrive. We provide straightforward information.
I admitted that I didn’t know much about the topic and wanted to do some research before having a deeper conversation with him. This wasn’t an unusual response, so he was understanding.
There have been plenty of moments where our kids have caught us off-guard with questions that left us unprepared. We won’t just throw out opinions on sexuality and risk being dismissive or judgmental; it’s too delicate of a subject, especially after witnessing the confusion that can arise from misinformation.
Kids talk, and mine are no exception, so I recognize that whatever I share could also reach their friends. This understanding keeps me grounded and reassures my kids that I take their inquiries seriously.
After some thorough research, I gained a better understanding of choking and erotic asphyxiation. I knew for certain that not every woman is into it, and assuming so is dangerously misleading.
Let’s break down choking versus erotic asphyxiation.
I have my own curiosities and kinks, so I’m not about to judge anyone who enjoys a hand around their neck during intimacy. However, I cannot endorse practices like erotic asphyxiation or autoerotic asphyxiation, which involves intentionally restricting oxygen to enhance sexual pleasure.
No matter how you label it, it’s considered perilous and can lead to severe consequences. The risks associated with this practice are significant and should not be overlooked.
Autoerotic asphyxiation is when someone limits their own airflow—through hanging, strangulation, or suffocation—to heighten sensations during masturbation. While some claim that the rush of endorphins intensifies orgasms, prolonged pressure can lead to brain damage, heart attacks, or even death.
There’s a fine line between consensual breath play and fatal outcomes.
Is choking the same as erotic asphyxiation? This is a complex question I’ve grappled with since my son posed his initial inquiry. A hand around the neck might be used to guide a partner without necessarily applying pressure. Some women may appreciate a light grip during certain intimate moments, valuing the sense of control and dominance it brings.
There are many subtleties in sexuality, and it’s not always easy to discern where a kink ends and a potentially dangerous practice begins.
Adolescents often lack the maturity to navigate these complexities, which makes this topic even more critical.
It’s essential for children to be educated about the hazards of choking during sex and masturbation. Conversations about erotic and autoerotic asphyxiation need to be more prevalent among parents.
The statistics are sobering: up to 1,000 people die annually in the U.S. due to erotic asphyxiation, and many of these cases are misclassified as suicides. A study from 2006 indicated that up to 31% of male adolescent hanging deaths might be linked to autoerotic activity. The thought of my son being influenced by such dangerous ideas is alarming.
How do you explain this to a curious 12-year-old?
You provide them with honest, straightforward information, but you need to establish a foundation of trust and open communication about puberty and sexuality first.
While we can’t halt the onslaught of puberty or the spread of misinformation, we can be available to share facts and engage in crucial discussions.
Make those initial talks about puberty and sexuality less awkward—buy books, share your own experiences, whatever it takes to help them feel informed.
After my son asked his question, my husband and I were ready to share what we found out about choking and erotic asphyxiation. We clarified that some pornography displays rough sexual encounters that may not reflect what his future partners are interested in, emphasizing the importance of consent and communication in any relationship.
We wrapped up our conversation by recounting real-life consequences associated with autoerotic asphyxiation, including tragic cases that ended in death.
Did we handle the question well? I’m still uncertain. He approached me, we learned together, and kept the lines of communication open—something I consider a success.
As a mother and a writer focused on sex positivity, this subject is frightening. The number of fatalities related to erotic asphyxiation is shocking. It’s equally unsettling that a 12-year-old feels comfortable discussing such a sensitive topic in a locker room setting.
In addition to talking with our son, we also reached out to his coach and the parents of the boy who shared this information.
To learn more about related topics, check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com. For insights on male fertility, visit makeamom.com. And for an excellent resource on pregnancy, you can explore Science Daily.
Search Queries:
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Summary:
A mother reflects on a surprising question from her 12-year-old son about why some girls enjoy choking during sex. This leads her to examine the complexities of discussing sexual topics with children, the importance of providing accurate information, and the dangers associated with practices like erotic asphyxiation. She emphasizes the need for open communication and education around sexuality and encourages parents to engage in these vital conversations with their kids.