It’s the middle of the night, and my baby starts crying. I check the clock and aim to wait five minutes—advice from a popular sleep expert. Yet, I seldom last that long; her whimpers tug at my heart too much. Instead, I try various strategies: I turn up the sound machine (check), place my hand on her chest (check), rock her in her crib (check), and finally, pick her up for a comforting rock (check). But these methods only succeed about half the time. More often than not, I find myself nursing her. As I hold her close, the tension in her tiny body melts away, and within 15 minutes, she drifts back to sleep. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling of failure: I’ve fed her, and I haven’t managed to help her sleep independently.
In my quest for knowledge, I’ve absorbed a vast amount of advice from sleep consultants online. A common theme is the notion that by feeding or rocking your child to sleep, you’re creating unhealthy sleep associations—crutches that could keep your baby dependent on you for years to come. Who wants that when sleep is so elusive? All I long for is a few uninterrupted hours of rest. Sure, I could nap during her longest sleep stretch in the early evening, but doing so would mean sacrificing precious adult moments, like enjoying dinner, watching a show, or indulging in dark chocolate—activities that have become sacred in my new life.
One of the facilitators from my mom group reminds us that sleep coaches, no matter how well-meaning, are ultimately selling a product. For sleep-deprived parents, that product—a good night’s sleep—can feel more addictive than anything else. Yet, I can’t help but think that if I just try harder, purchase another book, or stick to a program more strictly, I might achieve the results I desire.
However, the reality of infant sleep norms often clashes with our instincts as parents. Isn’t it natural for babies to seek warmth, comfort, and nursing, regardless of whether they are hungry or truly need to sleep through the night? If that’s the case, who am I to deny them? Self-soothing to sleep is a skill I’ve yet to master myself at 35, so how can I expect a 4-month-old to do it?
We’re often told to keep our babies in separate rooms as soon as possible, minimize night awakenings, and avoid rocking them to prevent sleep crutches. Nursing them to sleep is frowned upon, as they should only need sustenance and not comfort from feeding, which is deemed detrimental. There’s a belief that if we don’t train them, they won’t develop properly and may even become obese. Co-sleeping is often labeled dangerous and discouraged altogether. And yes, the impact of sleep deprivation is real.
It’s worth noting, though, that this perspective on infant sleep is largely a Western one, particularly in the U.S. It’s rooted in valid safety concerns about bed-sharing paired with societal expectations of what constitutes a “good” baby—one who can sleep through the night independently.
Safety concerns about co-sleeping include unhealthy behaviors (like smoking or substance use), soft bedding, and factors such as prematurity. However, these issues vary significantly among different families, and the risk of SIDS does not uniformly affect all populations. For instance, Japan, where bed-sharing rates are high, boasts some of the lowest SIDS rates.
In many cultures, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand, both day and night, are the norm. Historically, mothers have kept their babies close while sleeping. Ancient tribes didn’t carry cribs; they kept their little ones close for warmth and safety. While this may lead to more nighttime awakenings, many parents find it more restful than the constant back-and-forth to a crib.
A friend of mine from Japan, who raised her children in the U.S., co-slept in a traditional Japanese manner on a firm futon. She shared that her babies knew when she was nearby, making it easier to soothe them. “When I slept with my kids,” she says, “they calmed down just from my heartbeat or warmth. I hardly remember waking up too much during the night.”
I see the benefits of sleep training—after all, life moves on with early morning meetings. Yet, I question how other mothers find the energy and resolve to execute a sleep training plan after enduring sleep deprivation. Are they the same women who can actually sleep when their baby sleeps? The idea of catching short naps during the day feels unrealistic.
Despite my intentions to train or teach my baby to sleep, my plans often crumble in the early hours. I’m torn between the desperate need for sleep and my instinct to comfort her. One night, I attempted a method called Ferberizing, and while it worked, I felt emotionally drained afterward.
When I spoke to friends about their experiences, their responses varied widely. Only one had successfully implemented sleep training. Another reported her baby slept well, but she suspected it was merely luck. Some attempted cry-it-out methods but ended up in tears alongside their babies. One friend opted to co-sleep for the ease of breastfeeding, while another nursed her daughter to sleep until nearly three years old, and now her child sleeps well. A friend in the medical field co-slept and later did a no-cry sleep training. She noted that while the data supports avoiding bed-sharing in high-risk cases, for many without those risks, the evidence is less clear.
Ultimately, I remain uncertain about the best approach—whether to sleep train or not, when to respond to my baby’s nighttime cries. For now, when she wakes and cries, I choose to respond. I could spend hours trying to calm her while she cries, or I can hold and feed her for a brief time. If she’s particularly upset, I’ll lie her down next to me, where I see her body relax, and we both drift off to sleep, like babies.
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of infant sleep can be daunting for new parents. While many methods exist for sleep training, the emotional weight of responding to a crying baby often leads parents to choose comfort over strict training. Cultural perspectives on co-sleeping and breastfeeding highlight the instinctual needs of both parent and child. Ultimately, the decision lies in balancing personal beliefs with the realities of sleep deprivation and nurturing a child’s needs.