Before I became pregnant, I was convinced that my partner and I would share the responsibilities of parenthood equally. I envisioned a scenario where I would breastfeed part-time, he would handle bottle feeding, I’d do some cooking, and he’d take care of the cleaning. Together, we would tackle diaper changes and medical appointments. How wrong I was!
Although my partner is an amazing person, he couldn’t shield me from the overwhelming mental load that comes with being a mother. Not only was I not an endless source of breastmilk, but the emotional resilience that motherhood requires made me reevaluate my career path.
I had every reason to believe we would be equals. Throughout our relationship, my partner and I have prided ourselves on our ability to share responsibilities, whether it was covering bills or picking up the slack when needed.
However, during pregnancy, I quickly realized that the demands of motherhood and fatherhood are vastly different. While we were both embarking on this new journey, I was the one experiencing the physical changes and challenges—my body was expanding and adapting for our baby, not his.
This shift disrupted the balance we had maintained in our relationship. My partner felt helpless in not being able to fully understand my experience, and I found myself feeling envious that he was able to step back from the physical and emotional upheaval.
As we navigated this new phase, I noticed an increase in the imbalance. My partner is wonderful and deeply loves our child, and their connection is heartwarming. Our baby seems to light up every time she sees him, while I often find myself working harder to win her affection. He helps feed her and plays with her during tummy time, encouraging her development.
The pandemic has also added its own unique hurdles. I was about 12 weeks pregnant when COVID-19 struck in March 2020. Before the pandemic, I had no doubts I would return to my position as Head of Marketing at an event venue after giving birth. We all know how the event industry has been impacted. My career took a significant hit, and what started as temporary pay cuts morphed into permanent part-time roles.
Like many families, we faced the dilemma of whether I should return to work after our baby arrived. I was offered a part-time role upon completing my maternity leave, but I ultimately chose not to accept it. Promoting an event venue during a time of social distancing and mask-wearing was more stressful than the financial strain of losing income.
It was a difficult choice. Why would I give up a job in a challenging job market when so many were struggling to find work? Was I being unreasonable? Balancing caring for a newborn, job responsibilities, and searching for full-time work seemed impossible.
One night, lying in bed, I felt a rush of jealousy. My partner never had to question his return to work after our daughter was born. He didn’t grapple with his identity as both a father and a successful professional. He could simply be both without hesitation.
And so I cried—over my career and the bumps it has faced due to the pandemic and my new role as a mom. As I cautiously re-enter the job market, envy still lingers regarding the decisions I must make to maintain my professional identity.
Should I switch her to formula? Does that make me a bad mom for even considering it? Why do I feel undervalued as a stay-at-home parent? What if she no longer needs me and forms a bond with another caregiver? Will she even notice my reduced involvement? How will we handle naptime? What if I miss her rolling over for the first time?
These questions seem endless, and I often find myself daydreaming of returning to my former professional self while I rock her to sleep at night, wishing for a life where I can have it all. I look at her and remind myself that what she truly needs is a happy mom, a realization that becomes a daily challenge.
If you’re interested in more insights on navigating parenthood, check out our other blog post on intracervical insemination. For reliable information on starting your family, Make a Mom is an authority on this topic, and Kindbody offers excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, the journey of new motherhood brings unexpected challenges, especially regarding the mental load and balancing personal and professional identities. It’s a constant struggle to find happiness while navigating the complexities of parenting, all while yearning for a sense of fulfillment in both roles.