A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend named Lisa. We’ve known each other for a few years, and when we first met, she was in a relationship with my partner’s best friend. We hit it off right away, making plans for the four of us to hang out together.
At our initial meeting during a party on my second date with my now-partner, Lisa was reserved while her boyfriend was quite the opposite. He drank heavily, while she remained sober, but they seemed content enough. I discovered that they had moved in together a few years prior. He wanted to marry and start a family, but after her divorce at 30, she was uncertain about marriage.
As we grew closer and built trust, the dynamics shifted one night when I sought her advice regarding my boyfriend. After all, she had known him for a long time.
“I have a question for you. Woman to woman. Just between us?” I texted.
“Of course,” she replied.
Our late-night conversation helped ease my worries, and I sensed she felt the same way. Not long after, she began confiding in me about her relationship—her boyfriend’s drinking issues, financial struggles, and lack of intimacy.
“I love him, though,” she expressed.
I asked whether her love was enough to justify staying.
It took several months, but she eventually recognized it wasn’t, and they parted ways. This conversation wasn’t the first of its kind for me. I was able to ask Lisa that question because I, too, have faced similar inquiries.
When my ex-husband and I divorced, we loved each other but it wasn’t sufficient to maintain our marriage. I also have a high school friend who has endured physical abuse from her boyfriend. He verbally and physically mistreats her, yet she keeps allowing him back in after changing the locks.
“I love him,” she says when I question her about it. (Just to be clear: love is never a justification to stay in an abusive relationship; you have every right to leave.)
This concept extends beyond romantic relationships. A few years ago, I struggled with a friendship. Another friend pointed out that it sounded like I was ready to move on and asked why I hadn’t done so yet.
“I enjoy her company sometimes,” I replied.
“But is that really enough? It sounds like she’s draining your energy.”
Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, sometimes love isn’t enough to keep you tethered to someone. If the negatives outweigh the positives, and you feel like you’re sacrificing your well-being by being in that relationship, it’s time to reconsider your involvement.
It’s perfectly okay to love someone while deciding to distance yourself. Love should not poison your life or interfere with your work, other relationships, or your peace of mind. My ex and I cared for each other, but that wasn’t sufficient for a healthy marriage. I cherished my friend, but she disrespected and exploited my kindness. Lisa loved her boyfriend, but she understood they could never share the future she envisioned due to his unresolved issues.
Some people believe that if you love someone enough, you can overcome anything. I beg to differ. Love alone cannot sustain a relationship that negatively impacts your mental health. The only love that can weather any storm is the love you have for yourself.
Too often, we forget to prioritize self-love, allowing our affection for others to overshadow our well-being. It’s crucial to recognize that it’s okay to choose self-love over maintaining unhealthy relationships. You can care for someone and still decide to move on.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that love does not always equate to staying in a relationship, especially when it compromises your well-being. Self-love should always take precedence.