Relief can be a profound feeling, often experienced after a period of anxiety or distress. It can feel like a refreshing breeze or the sweet scent of flowers after a rainstorm. However, it is not commonly associated with grief or loss. Yet, when my mother passed away in June, I felt an unexpected sense of comfort and happiness—an emotion I still grapple with today.
My mother was a deeply complicated individual, battling mental health issues and addiction later in life. She was harsh, often expressing her frustrations with expletives and exhibiting abusive tendencies. For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her death brought me a sense of closure and, yes, relief.
I am not proud of my initial feelings. I grapple with anger and shame, questioning what kind of person feels gratitude in the face of a parent’s death. Yet, to understand my reaction, one must recognize the tumultuous relationship we shared. My mother struggled with untreated depression for years, which resulted in a childhood marred by her coldness and criticism. She often belittled me, calling me a mistake and a disappointment. Her descent into alcoholism in her fifties further strained our already difficult relationship.
While I never hated my mother, I despised the person she had become and the pain she inflicted. Loving someone with an addiction is incredibly challenging, and I felt a deep-seated responsibility to “save” her. So when I received the news that she was missing one June day, I remained calm and collected. The thought of her potential death brought me relief; it meant an end to the suffering for both of us.
I tried to reach her multiple times, but my calls went unanswered. Eventually, I made my way to her home, using a key to enter her apartment. As I ascended the stairs, I held my breath—not from fear, but from the anticipation of finally finding peace. I understood that if she were gone, she would be at rest, and I would be liberated.
Let me clarify: I never wished for her death. Even while feeling relief, part of me longs for the relationship we could have shared. I mourn the moments we will never experience together, weighed down by guilt for not being able to save her.
As I navigate these conflicting feelings, I recognize that relief in grief is a common but often hidden emotion. Many people feel it but may hesitate to express it due to societal taboos surrounding grief. It is crucial to understand that emotions can coexist; feeling relief does not negate the sadness of loss.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. Your feelings—whatever they may be—are valid.
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Summary
The author shares a deeply personal account of feeling relief after the passing of her mother, who had a complicated and abusive relationship with her. This relief, often deemed taboo, coexists with feelings of guilt and sadness, highlighting the complex nature of grief. The piece emphasizes the importance of recognizing and validating different emotions experienced during loss, reassuring readers that they are not alone in their feelings.