As adults, we often come to the difficult realization that not everyone will appreciate us. This truth can be painful and can lead some individuals to internalize negative perceptions, which can severely impact their self-worth and confidence. So, should we shield our children from this reality by explaining that not everyone will like them, or should we let them learn it the hard way, as many of us did? If we choose to prepare them for this truth, when is the right time to start?
Every child is unique, and the timing of these conversations can differ. However, I believe it’s crucial to address this topic early on to help combat the lack of self-confidence that can stem from realizing one isn’t liked. It’s essential to teach children that their self-worth isn’t defined by the opinions of others.
Recently, I picked up my three-year-old son, Ethan, from a tutoring session. He was excited about school and eager to learn more than I was teaching him at home, so we arranged weekly sessions to nurture his growth. After one such session, his tutor mentioned, “Just a heads-up, some people might feel jealous of Ethan. Even adults might find him intimidating…” I appreciate the tutor’s intention, but it caught me off guard. Ethan is quite charming, clever, and wise for his age, but I hadn’t considered that not everyone would embrace him.
With the tutor’s words echoing in my mind and having observed instances where playmates didn’t want to engage with him, I realized it was time for a conversation. Although he is the youngest in his friend group, I had previously dismissed this behavior as typical childhood antics. However, I realized that as he grows, he might face rejection not just from peers but potentially due to jealousy.
It was essential for me to prepare him for the inevitable heartache that can come from such situations. Nobody is universally liked, and that’s perfectly okay. Admittedly, I felt anxious about broaching this subject, unsure of the best approach or whether Ethan was too young to understand. Would it upset him to learn that some kids might not want to play with him?
Surprisingly, the discussion went smoothly. I explained that sometimes kids might not want to play, and it’s not a reflection of him. I reassured him that it’s completely fine if they don’t feel like playing; it doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. When I asked how he would respond if someone didn’t want to play with him, Ethan said, “I’ll ask if they can be my friend!” I praised his kind nature but added that if they still didn’t want to play, he could find someone else to play with. He seemed content with this idea.
A few days later, I revisited the topic, asking him again what he would do if someone didn’t want to play. He confidently replied, “I’ll ask if they can be my friend, and if not, that’s okay; I’ll play with someone else!” True to his nature, he’s even started sharing this lesson with his younger sister, teaching her that it’s normal for some kids to want their own space.
By having these conversations, I hope to instill in him an understanding that he doesn’t need to feel entitled to everyone’s affection. This is a hard lesson for parents as well, but equipping our children to face adversity is one of the most valuable gifts we can offer.
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In summary, discussing the reality of not being liked with your child can be beneficial in fostering resilience and self-worth. Approaching the topic with care can help them navigate social dynamics as they grow.