Any doubts about the evolutionary link between humans and their primate ancestors can be quickly dismissed by observing the antics of a teenage boy. The gap between our primate origins and the teenage version of ourselves is surprisingly narrow. (If you don’t believe me, feel free to borrow my son for a weekend—seriously!)
If you’re one of the lucky few living with a teenage boy, you’re likely familiar with their tendency to retreat to their rooms for days on end. This necessitates occasional wellness checks to ensure they’re still alive. Upon entering their lair, the first thing that assaults your senses is the unmistakable odor, a vile scent that seemingly developed to ward off adult human intruders. Holding your breath, you finally spot your boy, sprawled beneath a mountain of clothes and crumbs in what can only be described as a sleeping nest.
Your initial attempts to rouse him involve gentle nudges on his back. After several fruitless minutes, you escalate to shaking him while calling his name. When all else fails, you might resort to a foghorn or—desperately—dumping a bucket of water on him (which, let’s face it, may be the first splash of water he’s experienced in weeks). He jolts awake, flailing in protest.
Eventually, he emerges from his makeshift bed, scratching his chest and armpits, swatting away the flies that have taken up residence. As he lumbers around, his movements disturb even more odors, triggering a gag reflex you can’t suppress (which he, of course, interprets as a win, flashing a cheeky grin). He bounds down the stairs, reaching for the chandelier as he attempts yet another swing.
Upon entering the kitchen, his insatiable appetite becomes apparent. You toss him a banana, which he devours in mere seconds. After demolishing a smorgasbord of eight bananas, five bowls of cereal, four apples, three cheese sticks, and two bags of chips, he proudly declares his intention to use the bathroom, reminiscing with his siblings about their most memorable bowel movements.
Their fascination with poop leads to lengthy discussions with friends, where they analyze the shape, texture, and smell of their creations. When they aren’t delving into these riveting topics, they engage in play—mostly involving throwing objects at each other, resulting in gleeful screams and laughter, both in-person and online (the latter being their preferred mode of play these days).
Adult humans often have differing views on this type of play, as it’s well-known that teenagers learn best through outdoor activities. Regardless of the game, the common elements include raucous laughter, fart jokes, and, of course, snacks. Conversations about girls are typically conducted in code, often resulting in fits of laughter and teasing.
Wise adult females know better than to ask probing questions about this sensitive subject, as doing so would result in immediate exile from the teenage boy’s domain. Instead, they leave it to the adult males to impart the significance of emotional connections in dating. If that concept fails to resonate, at the very least, they should understand that humping everything in sight is generally frowned upon. However, introducing verbal communication on this topic is futile, as even the adult males struggle in that department.
Eventually, the relationship between adult and teenage primates hits a wall, prompting the adult to seek out research for insights. Thankfully, a wealth of studies exists regarding the intricacies of teenage behavior, revealing both similarities and differences between adults and their adolescent counterparts.
From anecdotal evidence alone, it often appears that both parties thrive better when living separately. For the adult female, there’s only so much noise, chaos, and unpleasant odors one can endure before yearning to return their young one to the wild. Yet, in those moments of impending loss, the teenage boy may surprise you with unexpected gestures of affection—hugs, eye contact, and even smiles. These moments remind you of the sweetness of their baby years, making the wild journey of parenting somewhat rewarding, despite the current grossness.
You realize that soon enough, your teenage boy will venture out into a much larger world, one that is far more daunting than either of you can imagine. This thought softens the trials of living with a teenage boy—at least until the next round of screeching and poop jokes begins.