Here’s the reality: I endured four pregnancy losses, and after each one, I found myself feeling bitter towards my partner.
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube. This situation required emergency surgery to end the pregnancy and preserve my health. The day after the procedure, while I lay in bed recovering from pain medication, my partner, Alex, chose to attend a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration—more like fury—about this to a friend, she replied, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.”
It seems this avoidance behavior is common among some partners following pregnancy loss. Psychologists refer to it as avoidance; I simply found it frustrating.
Throughout my four losses—two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage—Alex immersed himself in various activities. He took up mountain biking, meticulously planning new routes in the local hills, leaving maps scattered around our home. He began going on lengthy runs and volunteered for causes that had previously never interested him. He even became overly focused on cleaning; one day, I caught him scrubbing the cement in our backyard. At one point, he enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching online topics like “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I was left to ponder whether his actions were a metaphor for our losses, indicating that he felt so vulnerable to tragedy that he needed to prepare for the worst.
What was notably absent from his activities was any desire to communicate with me. I longed to discuss our losses, but my needs clashed with his instinct to “move on.” He wanted to avoid the topic entirely, pretending that life continued as usual. I resented his stoicism and felt like I was the only one grappling with the emotional fallout. To me, it seemed as though he wasn’t grieving—he was simply too busy to care.
It took time and couples therapy for me to understand that Alex was grieving, just in a different manner than I was. While writing “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I spoke extensively with my co-authors about how common it is for couples to face challenges after such a loss, often stemming from differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler shared, “I do not believe a child loss is what causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.”
Divorce is indeed a genuine concern for couples after experiencing loss. A study tracking over 7,000 pregnant couples for fifteen years found that those who suffered a miscarriage were 22 percent more likely to separate compared to those who hadn’t, with the risk being even higher for couples who faced stillbirth. The increased risk of divorce can linger for up to a decade following the loss.
If you’re feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss and wish to preserve your relationship, here are some insights that might help:
- Acknowledge that he lost a baby too. While he may not have carried the baby, he too was envisioning parenthood. I remember how Alex lit up the first time I shared the news of my pregnancy. I was so absorbed in my own grief that I didn’t consider his disappointment when we lost each child. Fathers grieve as well. Research indicates that fathers often suppress their grief, face employment issues, and even experience increased substance use as a result of stillbirth.
- He likely feels helpless. Alex is a classic problem-solver, but grief from a pregnancy loss doesn’t come with an easy solution. This uncertainty can lead partners to withdraw: “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to deal with it.” This retreat is just another form of their pain.
- He may be scared, too. At one point, Alex expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He was worried about losing me in an irreparable way and feared that I might never recover from our losses. I wish we had acknowledged each other’s fears and created a space for comfort; it would have made our journey less rocky.
- It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s trying to “stay strong.” Men are often conditioned to suppress emotions like sadness or fear to appear strong. This societal pressure can lead to a lack of emotional expression, making it harder to connect.
- Seek support from others. We often place unrealistic expectations on our partners to fulfill all our emotional needs. Instead of resenting Alex for not meeting my expectations, I learned to reach out to friends and family for support. This didn’t mean I was giving up on our marriage; rather, it alleviated pressure on our relationship. Once I found that support, my frustration with Alex decreased as my emotional needs were being met.
- Keep the bigger picture in mind. The phases of grief can be intense but are temporary. It’s been a few years since our losses, and we now have a 3-year-old daughter from a healthy pregnancy. Reflecting on our experiences, I can confidently say they strengthened our relationship. While it may sound cliché, we have gained resilience as a couple, knowing we can endure challenges together.
If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination and related topics, check out this post on intracervical insemination. Also, for further insights on pregnancy and home insemination, WebMD offers excellent resources.
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- Miscarriage support for partners
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In summary, navigating grief after a miscarriage is challenging for both partners, and understanding each other’s grieving styles is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship. Seeking external support and recognizing that both partners experience loss can foster empathy and healing.