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You Don’t Need To Justify Your Boundaries
by Jamie Carter
April 11, 2021
I’m incredibly intuitive and constantly aware of my environment—thanks, PTSD and trauma responses! While it’s fascinating to read a room’s energy and remember intricate details, this heightened awareness can be draining. When the atmosphere feels heavy, my instincts kick in, prompting me to either confront the situation, withdraw, or—ugh—establish a boundary.
Setting boundaries can be challenging, as it signifies the necessity to create protective limits for nurturing respectful and healthy relationships. And let’s be real, that’s a lot of work. Whether we’re attuned to the unspoken energy or processing the words of those around us, we can’t simply avoid everyone. We must navigate tricky and sometimes toxic dynamics with family, colleagues, and friends. Importantly, we can establish boundaries without feeling the need to justify them.
Children are notorious for testing our limits, often asking, “But why!?” In response, we assert, “Because I said so!” or “No!” Sometimes, I might provide an explanation or an alternative, but often, the answer stands as is. We should channel that same decisiveness in our interactions with everyone else.
Absolutely, there will be pushback, especially from those who thrive on manipulation. Toxic individuals may show their true colors when they can no longer dictate their terms. Some may react defensively, but that doesn’t mean we have to soothe their discomfort when we assert our needs.
Cisgender, straight white men often react negatively to having boundaries set. Their egos, coupled with the privilege that has allowed them to navigate life without challenge, lead to dismissive or aggressive responses. They might respond with, “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You’re being unreasonable.”
I don’t owe anyone an explanation, including the following: my pronouns, why your offensive jokes are unacceptable, why I don’t want you invading my personal space, why I can’t assist with that task, why I prefer not to hear your complaints about your partner, or why I’m uncomfortable with the way you discuss women.
Cishet men—especially white ones—have had ample opportunity to exist without justification, without scrutiny, and without the need to validate their presence. I refuse to soften my disapproval to make them feel less accountable, and I won’t stand for aggressive reactions. Instead, I might suggest they seek therapy.
While I tend to steer clear of most cishet men, I also implement boundaries with cishet women and individuals from the LGBTQ+ community. Healthy relationships are essential for everyone involved. It’s crucial to understand that boundaries aren’t inherently negative. Clear communication is not impolite, and honesty should be prioritized. Not every confrontation needs to be contentious, and saying no can be an act of self-care.
I’m progressively getting better at declining offers, and it feels liberating. Although I still find myself taking on too much at times, I strive to say yes only to things I genuinely want to do. Even then, I make it clear when I am available versus when I’m not. I won’t commit out of obligation; there’s a distinct difference between responsibility and self-imposed expectations. This proactive approach to communication means I collaborate with supervisors and clients when I require assistance, time off, or extensions, as I cannot do everything all the time. This way, I avoid slipping responsibilities or exhausting myself into an unhealthy mindset.
This discussion isn’t solely about carving out personal time—though that’s just fine if saying no is part of your self-care. For me, it centers on self-worth and demanding—rather than requesting—respect. It’s about making my valuable time as fulfilling as possible, and I don’t feel guilty about it. Well, mostly.
Identifying my needs isn’t typically the issue; it’s the fear of others’ reactions or judgments regarding those needs that holds me back. I often prepare justifications for my boundaries, even though I know I’m doing what’s right. I still sometimes grapple with guilt over setting limits. I wish I didn’t care about potential judgments or questions regarding my intentions or worth.
When I need to decline an invitation, alter plans, or express discomfort, I’m increasingly comfortable stating my boundary without feeling the need to elaborate. I don’t have to justify my needs or desires. Recognizing my limits and asking others to honor them doesn’t make me a failure or disappointment, even if those limits shift over time.
People frequently dislike boundaries because it means they can no longer take advantage of you. You don’t have to negotiate your terms or provide explanations. Draw the line and hold firm. No one is entitled to the details of your discomfort, just as you aren’t obligated to share mine.
For additional insights, check out this post on boundaries and self-care. Also, Make A Mom is an excellent resource for home insemination kits, and UCSF’s Center provides valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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Summary
Establishing boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, yet it’s often met with resistance, especially from those who benefit from boundary violations. There’s no need to justify your limits; clear communication is vital, and saying no is a healthy practice. It’s essential to prioritize self-worth and respect in all interactions without feeling guilty for asserting your needs.