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Like many, I found myself gaining weight during quarantine. To be honest, I began this period at a lower weight than I typically maintain, primarily due to circumstances outside of any deliberate dieting. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which can be quite challenging to manage. When it’s under control, I tend to lose weight, but when it flares up, my weight can increase. Interestingly, throughout my pregnancies, I experienced significant weight loss since PCOS doesn’t seem to be a factor then. It’s a reminder that weight is complex, and the narrative that it’s solely about eating salads is misleading!
When the pandemic struck, I was at one of my lowest weights in years, largely due to having just welcomed a newborn. It was a struggle to reconcile my feelings about this weight loss, as I found myself associating a smaller size with increased worth and beauty. Although I don’t inherently want to remain smaller, I recognize that my body has the right to change as my life evolves. However, I’ve spent years trying to detach my self-worth from my weight, and during this time, I fought to maintain that mindset. If I attribute more beauty and value to myself when I lose weight, I inevitably risk feeling less worthy upon gaining it back. I can’t let my weight dictate my appreciation for my body, or I will end up feeling devastated again.
For the past year, my family has been extremely cautious regarding COVID, meaning we’ve spent most of our time at home. This year, I’ve focused on numerous aspects of life, but my body size hasn’t been one of them. My weight has changed, and I find myself back at my usual size, which is heavier than it was a year ago.
Growing up surrounded by diet culture, it was disheartening to see the scale rise again, as each pound gained felt like a step away from the “ideal” of thinness. However, I refused to dwell in that space of comparison and disappointment because I’ve moved past that mindset. I can confidently say that my efforts to dissociate my body size from my value have been completely worthwhile.
Through this journey, I’ve come to understand that my feelings about my body are deeply influenced by childhood experiences. It’s crucial for me to acknowledge that my body was beautiful back then, despite what others told me, and it remains beautiful now, regardless of societal programming. In the past, I connected the sensation of hunger with morality, believing that the longer I felt hungry, the better I was. This kind of thinking is detrimental. It’s essential to remind myself that hunger is simply my body signaling a need for nourishment, and everyone, regardless of their size, deserves to eat when hungry. In the pandemic, fulfilling those hunger cues is just a short walk to the kitchen away, making it perfectly normal to respond to those needs.
I’ve also recognized that constant negative messages about larger bodies have instilled fear in me regarding weight gain, worrying that I’ll be viewed as a failure or unattractive. It’s vital to remember that my worth and beauty don’t hinge on my ability to conform to an ever-changing and unrealistic ideal.
Recently, I visited my doctor for a non-weight-related issue. When my name was called, I requested to skip the scale that day. I knew I had gained weight and didn’t want to confront it on a day already filled with anxiety about my health. The nurse agreed. During my appointment, my doctor asked how I was doing, conducted an examination, and inquired about my anxiety management. She didn’t mention my weight. When I brought it up, attempting to explain my request to avoid the scale, she gently interrupted, saying, “Stop. You don’t need to explain. I’m not concerned about your weight. You don’t smoke, drink, have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes. You have three kids and have been home with them for a year. If you came in with a health issue and talked about your diet, I would tell you to stop worrying about that. Let’s focus on what truly matters right now.”
This experience reinforced the idea that accepting changes in your body during these unprecedented times is not only wise — it’s essential.
If you’ve put on a few pandemic pounds, know you’re not alone, and you deserve to extend yourself some grace. There’s incredible freedom in viewing your body as a dynamic organism that can adapt to your life circumstances. Your changing body is a testament to your resilience! So, you’ve gained weight. So what? Your fuller figure doesn’t signify failure; it shows that even in a global health crisis, you nourished yourself. Many beautiful loved ones have been lost to this virus, but you are still here. It’s completely okay if there’s a bit more of you on the planet now than there was a year ago, and I’m grateful to acknowledge that there is a little more of me, too.
For more insights, check out this other blog post for additional perspectives. Plus, if you’re exploring home insemination options, Make A Mom offers authoritative resources on the topic. For further information on pregnancy and home insemination, this is an excellent resource.
Summary
This article reflects on the journey of gaining weight during quarantine and the lessons learned about self-worth. It emphasizes the importance of separating body size from personal value and accepting the natural changes that occur during life’s challenges. The author acknowledges the societal pressures surrounding body image but ultimately advocates for self-acceptance and gratitude for one’s health and existence.