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Parenting
If You’re Facing Challenges with Your Teen’s Behavior, They Need Structure
by Sarah Johnson
Updated: April 7, 2021
Originally Published: April 6, 2021
My youngest child, who is in 8th grade, recently began attending school two days a week, and it’s been a positive change for him. He seems to be emerging from his 14-year-old funk, which is a relief.
Last Monday, he asked if he could stay after school to help his science teacher prepare for the English teacher’s birthday celebration. My first instinct was to be suspicious. Last year, I stumbled upon a few marijuana joints in his room. According to him, a friend had given them to him—the same friend he was caught throwing food with in the cafeteria.
While I’m not blaming his friend for these incidents, my son is more than capable of making his own choices and understands the difference between right and wrong. He certainly knows how to use the word “no,” as he does it with me quite often.
After a year of virtual learning and limited social interaction, he hasn’t gotten into any trouble. However, I know my son well enough to sense that something was off. I agreed to let him stay after school, but only after confirming it with his teacher.
Fortunately, his teacher confirmed that he would indeed be there helping for an hour after school. Upon hearing this, my son remarked that he knew I would check on him, so he wouldn’t dare lie to me.
I’m sharing this not because my son is a perfect angel, but because I have repeatedly made the mistake of not establishing proper boundaries with my three teenagers when they break the rules—and my trust. Although my youngest seems to be finally understanding the importance of boundaries, I know he might still try to test the waters.
In my attempts to be a “cool” parent, I’ve given my kids too many chances too quickly, and it has backfired every time. For instance, my oldest had a friend he would hang out with, and they frequently got caught smoking cannabis together, yet I still gave him additional chances. Meanwhile, my daughter went through a phase where her attitude was disrespectful, but when she’d occasionally turn sweet, I would reward her with new makeup or allow friends over, even if her behavior didn’t warrant it. This only led to further disrespect.
When boundaries aren’t established, people will push the limits. This is particularly true for teenagers—they will take advantage if allowed. As parents, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids how to treat us.
I recognize that teens can be moody and face various challenges that may affect their behavior. While I strive to be understanding and empathetic, I also maintain self-respect and uphold our relationship by enforcing clear boundaries and consequences.
If they’re being disrespectful, I respond by asking what’s wrong and offering support, but I won’t accept being a punching bag. If they fail to adhere to curfews or aren’t where they say they will be, I’ve learned to take away privileges, like their phone or social time. Checking in on them after they’ve broken trust doesn’t make me an overbearing parent; it reinforces the idea that they need to earn back my trust. Without this reinforcement, they would likely revert to dubious behaviors.
I know from my own experience—my mother ignored many of my and my siblings’ teenage antics. As a result, we lost respect for her and felt we could get away with anything without consequences.
Establishing boundaries also prevents me from wasting my time because my time is valuable too. For example, when I pick them up from their father’s house, they need to be ready and not keep me waiting for half an hour in the driveway. A friend of mine has been struggling with this issue with her daughter, who often makes her mother wait unnecessarily.
If they request something special from the grocery store and it goes unused, they understand that I won’t be purchasing it again.
There must be a balance. Everyone has off days, and I don’t want my children to feel like they’re in boot camp. I genuinely want them to enjoy spending time with me.
However, after raising three teenagers, I’ve learned the hard way that if you don’t enforce boundaries and remind them regularly, they’ll take advantage, making life much harder for you.
Remember, setting boundaries helps your children learn how to interact with others. It’s not a pleasant process, but it’s essential—they need to learn this lesson before they venture out into the world on their own. I’d rather they dislike me now for being firm than struggle later because they were not taught these vital lessons.
This article was originally published on April 6, 2021. If you’re interested in more content, check out one of our other blog posts here.
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Here are some related topics you might find useful:
- How to Set Boundaries with Teenagers
- Effective Parenting Strategies for Teens
- Understanding Teen Behavior
- Building Trust with Your Teen
- Navigating Teen Relationships
Summary: In parenting teenagers, establishing clear boundaries is essential for teaching respect and trust. While it can be challenging to maintain discipline, especially when trying to be a “cool” parent, the long-term benefits of setting limits are invaluable. It’s crucial to enforce consequences and uphold expectations so that teens learn how to treat others and themselves appropriately.