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When I discovered I was going to have a daughter, my first instinct was to rectify the past mistakes I had experienced. I felt a surge of optimism and vowed to build the mother-daughter bond I had always longed for. However, this idealism was quickly overshadowed by waves of anxiety. What if I mirrored the abusive behavior of my own mother? Would my daughter eventually resent me or choose to distance herself from me?
During my pregnancy, I began grappling with mental health challenges. I was unprepared for how the experience of impending motherhood would unearth memories of my own childhood trauma, and the thought of having a daughter felt particularly overwhelming. The history of mother-daughter relationships in my family was not encouraging. Each daughter seemed to fall into the same pattern of repeating the cycle with their own children.
When I first cradled my daughter, I was flooded with unconditional love. Surely, this powerful emotion would prevent me from inflicting the hurt I had endured? Yet, I found myself haunted by the fear of perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Perhaps my mother had felt the same way when she first held me, just as her mother might have felt the same. Would I also repeat this painful history? Was it unavoidable?
In the early days of my daughter’s life, we were inseparable. She was definitely a “mommy’s girl,” and I reveled in our close connection. However, as she grew, I noticed a shift in her affections—she began to favor her dad. This shift stung. I felt as though our bond was merely a product of her dependency on me, and I began to worry that she might see me as inadequate. Was this her way of signaling that I was no better than my own mother?
I lovingly refer to her as “daddy’s girl,” and I genuinely cherish the strong relationship they share. It means the world to my husband, who has cerebral palsy and was initially anxious about fatherhood. While I feel an overwhelming joy when I witness their bond, I can’t help but experience a twinge of sadness, followed by guilt for feeling this way. I chastise myself, thinking, “I shouldn’t feel like this.”
I had placed all my hopes of healing the past on my daughter, which I now realize was unfair. I cannot change my history, and it’s not right to expect my child to carry that burden. The responsibility of healing my inner child rests with me, not her. I had envisioned the mother-daughter relationship I missed with my own mother, rather than what my daughter truly needs.
I’ve confided in my husband about my worries, and we’ve come to understand that even if I were her favorite, I would still feel anxious about our relationship. If we had the ideal bond I craved, I would be fearful of ruining it. The truth is, my fears exist regardless of the nature of our connection.
I’m learning to focus on the positives rather than dwelling on what I lack. Even if my daughter prefers her dad, it’s a sign that she feels comfortable expressing her preferences—something I never had growing up. I must be doing something right if she experiences that freedom. I know she loves me, as I express my love for her daily. Unlike my own childhood, she will never have to doubt my affection.
Our relationship may not mirror the one I had romanticized during my pregnancy, and it’s okay to feel sadness about that. What we share is beautiful, characterized by open affection and mutual respect—where she is recognized as an individual with her own autonomy.
In worrying about not achieving the mother-daughter dynamic I always desired, I overlooked the ways in which I am providing her with what I never received. This connection, while different from what I imagined, is far more meaningful. It is the bond that my daughter needs.
For more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this other blog post, or visit Make a Mom for expert advice on starting your family.
Summary:
The author shares her journey of anxiety and self-reflection after discovering she was having a daughter. Initially filled with hope to correct past family mistakes, she grapples with fears of repeating cycles of abuse and inadequacy as a mother. Despite her daughter’s changing affections towards her father, the author learns to appreciate their unique bond, recognizing her efforts to provide her child with a nurturing environment. Ultimately, she realizes that the relationship they share is beautiful in its own right, distinct from her own childhood experiences.