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People often label themselves as allies when they believe they are accepting of LGBTQIA+ individuals. While not harboring hatred towards queer people or sporting rainbow merchandise during Pride month are positive actions, true allyship extends beyond simply asserting that “Love Is Love.” LGBTQIA+ rights encompass more than just same-sex marriage or disputes over wedding cakes. Being an ally requires fully embracing, supporting, and advocating for every sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression—even if it challenges your understanding.
Unfortunately, some who identify as allies may add caveats, such as “buts,” “what abouts,” and “ifs” to their “support.” This allows them to sidestep discomfort or avoid confronting their own biases. Genuine allyship often demands sacrifices, whether it’s choosing not to frequent your favorite fast-food chain or distancing yourself from friends or businesses that do not support LGBTQIA+ rights. Being an ally could mean leaving a church that fails to welcome queer individuals or unlearning ingrained prejudices instead of finding ways to work around them. It also means recognizing the difference between intention and impact when interacting with queer individuals.
To foster acceptance and change, you must embrace all facets of the queer community. You cannot instruct queer people to minimize their gender expression or dismiss the identities of queer youth as mere phases. It is vital that you do not turn away from aspects that make you uncomfortable or challenge your preconceived beliefs—be they rooted in gender norms, religion, or a misunderstanding of science.
Being an ally involves prioritizing the experiences of queer individuals without playing devil’s advocate or shying away from confronting the biases that hinder your growth. Unlike queer individuals, who face a heteronormative world without choice regarding their comfort levels, allies have the privilege of choosing when to engage with discomfort.
True allyship can be challenging, uncomfortable, and even divisive at times. The onus is on you, the self-identified ally, to initiate change. The responsibility for your image is never placed on queer individuals. We expect unwavering support and love; if you cannot provide that, then you are not an ally. We should not have to wait for you to feel ready to confront your ignorance or reevaluate what you were taught. Your role is to engage in the difficult conversations while listening and dismantling your outdated notions.
Using phrases like “love the sinner, hate the sin” when discussing queer people and religion does not equate to allyship. Allowing discussions that center on “what about my beliefs” when they undermine the experiences of LGBTQIA+ individuals is not allyship. Expressing love for gay people but not wanting to witness their affection is not allyship. Announcing support for #translivesmatter while rejecting the acknowledgment of gender-neutral pronouns is not allyship.
Supporting anti-queer establishments while calling yourself an ally is contradictory. Wishing for LGBTQIA+ individuals to blend in rather than embracing their identities is not allyship. Denying transgender youth access to gender-affirming care by claiming they are too young is not allyship.
As a queer nonbinary person raising children—one of whom is transgender—in a nation that often fails to protect queer and transgender individuals, I should not feel fortunate to reside in a state free from anti-trans legislation. Families shouldn’t have to relocate for safety; every community should be a haven for LGBTQIA+ members. Change does not occur on its own.
We fight for equality and rely on allies to join these struggles, but we need unconditional support. There is no room for excuses or hesitation. While queer individuals fight for their existence, allies cannot prioritize their comfort and still claim to be allies.
I recognize that homophobia and transphobia will always exist. Those who cling to their bigotry are unlikely to change. However, I believe many can be swayed through education, correction, and exposure to queer narratives. This is where allies play a crucial role: serving as both a physical and emotional buffer for those who need guidance or a push towards embracing queer acceptance and active allyship.
This may seem like a heavy burden for cisgender heterosexual allies, but your privilege allows you to engage in this work without facing the same risks that queer individuals do when advocating for themselves.
The queer community encompasses far more than the stereotypical gay couple depicted in mainstream media. Queerness does not fit neatly into binary categories, and not all transgender individuals aspire to “pass” as cisgender—nor are they obligated to do so for your comfort. Gender expression is diverse and vibrant, free from societal constraints. Moreover, religion and queerness can coexist in affirming ways. Allies must ensure these truths are upheld in every facet of their lives, creating inclusive and safe spaces for queer individuals at home, work, in healthcare, and in religious institutions without compromising their support for cisgender heterosexual privilege.
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In summary, to truly be an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, one must commit to unconditional support without caveats or conditions. It involves listening, learning, and actively dismantling biases while standing up for queer individuals in a world that often marginalizes them.