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As someone who identifies as nonbinary and leans towards a trans masculine and androgynous presentation, I often find myself misgendered. While adults tend to make assumptions, children frequently ask directly whether I am a boy or a girl before forming any conclusions about my gender identity. This usually happens in the presence of their parents, who often react with embarrassment and attempt to hush their child’s curiosity. I use they/them pronouns, and when I’m not in the mood for a conversation, those moments end without any understanding being gained.
Teach Your Kids About Gender
Parents often seek guidance on how to respond when their kids ask the “boy or girl” question. However, it’s important to recognize that it’s not the responsibility of the person being asked to clarify their own gender. Instead of shushing children, adults should take this opportunity to educate them about gender and expression. This way, kids won’t feel the need to categorize others into binary definitions.
Respect Privacy
It’s crucial to acknowledge that no one is obligated to disclose their gender identity. If the person being questioned prefers not to answer, it’s necessary to respect that choice. You can always use they/them pronouns until you learn otherwise, which is something you likely do already in other situations. For instance, if you find a water bottle at the park, you might think, “Someone forgot their water bottle. I hope they come back for it.” This instinct to use gender-neutral language helps avoid misgendering and shows respect.
Questioning the Importance of Labels
When your child wonders about someone’s gender, ask them if it truly matters. Often, labels are a comfort to us, leading to assumptions that may not reflect reality. The need to categorize someone can overshadow the more important aspect of respecting their identity.
Embrace Nuance in Gender Identity
It’s essential to understand that gender expression is diverse, and there are more than two genders. People express their gender through various means, such as clothing and hairstyle. Gender identity, however, is an internal experience and can exist anywhere along a spectrum. Since gender is multifaceted, we shouldn’t make assumptions based on appearances.
Encouraging Trust and Understanding
I once had to use a women’s restroom while out, and as I entered a stall, a child and an adult walked in. The child asked, “Are we in the girls’ bathroom? I think that was a boy.” To the adult’s credit, they responded calmly, “I know we’re in the right spot, and I trust that person knows they are too.” This reassurance helped the child feel at ease and hopefully taught them to view gender through a more accepting lens.
A Thoughtful Response
If your child asks about someone’s gender, it’s perfectly fine to reply, “I’m not sure. There are many ways to be a boy, a girl, or a person who identifies as both or neither. Let’s be respectful and friendly.” This approach fosters an environment where people can share their identities if they feel comfortable doing so.
Encourage your kids to think beyond the binary by reading books and having discussions about gender diversity. This will not only enlighten them but also help them understand that nonbinary, genderfluid, and genderqueer individuals are just as valid and wonderful.
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Summary
In conclusion, when children ask if someone is a boy or a girl, it’s important to use it as a teaching moment about gender identity and expression. It’s vital to respect individuals’ privacy, use gender-neutral language, and encourage curiosity without shame. This approach fosters understanding and acceptance, promoting a more inclusive society.