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Recently, I tuned into a podcast discussing how to help teenagers navigate their return to a “semi-normal” life. My children’s choices varied—two were eager to return to school, while one preferred to continue learning online. The pandemic has brought significant changes to their emotional landscapes, and as their parent, I’m seeking guidance on how to support them through this emotional upheaval.
My daughter, who has always been shy, started experiencing increased social anxiety as she grew older. The isolation brought on by the pandemic seemed to suit her initially, but now she grapples with heightened anxiety whenever she has to interact with others. My other two children felt excitement mixed with nerves about returning to the classroom.
One crucial piece of advice from a psychologist on the podcast was to avoid telling our kids, “Everything will be fine, don’t worry,” as this dismisses their feelings. Such statements can leave them feeling overlooked, trivialized, and hopeless.
Growing up, I witnessed similar reactions from my family. Discussions about anything negative were virtually off-limits, especially regarding relatives. Issues like alcoholism or depression were swept under the rug. When I sought comfort from my mother, her go-to response was always, “It will be fine.” Unfortunately, this left me feeling invisible and unheard.
Now, as an adult, I often find myself frustrated when my partner responds to my struggles with overly positive affirmations. While I appreciate his optimism, I’ve noticed that his persistent positivity can sometimes be overwhelming, leading to conflict between us. He has begun to understand that when he tells his child to simply “push through” her anxiety, it comes off as toxic positivity, which can be harmful.
His upbringing was challenging; he had to navigate a tumultuous childhood largely on his own, as his mother was absent and his father was involved in dangerous activities. This survival mode led him to adopt a constant upbeat demeanor, which served him well academically but has also manifested in unhealthy coping mechanisms like compulsive gambling and binge drinking. I believe these behaviors stem from his need to suppress negative emotions.
This highlights the importance of distinguishing between genuine positivity and toxic positivity—two very different concepts. Everyone has their own struggles, and it’s essential to allow ourselves to feel sadness. Being positive is not inherently toxic; for instance, acknowledging a past difficult experience while also recognizing personal growth is a sign of resilience.
Dr. Melanie Carson explains that toxic positivity is insincere positivity that can lead to harm and misunderstanding. Telling someone in distress to “just tough it out” or “meditate it away” can be incredibly dismissive, even if that’s not the intention. This lack of empathy can invalidate the feelings of those who need support.
We must prioritize listening to one another, especially our children, and validate their emotions with compassion. Constantly promoting “positive vibes only” can force people to suppress their genuine feelings of fear or sadness. Toxic positivity encourages a culture where people feel they must fake happiness, which can be detrimental.
It’s essential to embrace the full spectrum of our emotions and recognize that it is perfectly normal to not be happy all the time. Teaching our children about emotional diversity and showing them how we navigate various feelings fosters a healthy environment where they feel safe to express themselves.
For more insights on this topic, check out one of our other blog posts, which discusses the nuances of emotional health. If you’re on a journey towards parenthood, you might find Make a Mom to be a valuable resource. Additionally, Johns Hopkins Medicine offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Toxic positivity is the practice of dismissing negative emotions and promoting an unrealistic sense of continuous happiness. It can invalidate feelings and prevent individuals from processing their struggles. We must learn to embrace all emotions, allowing for genuine expression and support, especially for our children.