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My children often get frustrated when they can’t find the glasses they used earlier in the day. You’ll typically see me quickly shutting closet and pantry doors, even while they’re still in use. If a school paper is left out, it gets tucked away immediately. Leftover food? If it’s not eaten in a few days, it’s gone.
My compulsion for cleanliness can sometimes be overwhelming. I can’t pinpoint when it started. Perhaps it dates back to when I was seven and a medication for a plantar wart was accidentally consumed by my baby sister. My father’s panic during that moment left a lasting impression on me, especially when I saw the damage it caused to her pajamas. Since that day, I’ve been meticulous about keeping things in order.
Another significant moment happened when I stayed with friends in a house that was excessively dirty. As a military kid, I was used to moving frequently, but this particular home felt heavy and sad. At just six years old, I began cleaning to alleviate my discomfort, wiping down surfaces that were sticky and unpleasant.
As I grew older, my need for control deepened. I started counting calories obsessively and ensuring my room was immaculate. My self-worth became intertwined with my cleanliness and the scores I achieved in school. By the time I was sixteen, I realized I was trying to manage everything around me, including my surroundings.
Over the years, I learned to loosen up. I stopped tracking my food intake so strictly and became kinder to myself about my academic performance. I found happiness and a healthier relationship with myself, but my instinct to tidy up remained strong. If anything is out of place, it triggers an immediate response in me.
My ex-husband once played a prank by slightly rearranging my collected beach rocks, and I noticed the change almost instantly. It was amusing, but it also hit home how deeply this need for order affected me. When people comment on my clean home, I often feel more shame than pride. It’s not just a reflection of my neatness; it’s a manifestation of my anxiety.
I wish I could be more relaxed about household messes, but the urge to tidy up is relentless. I find myself apologizing to my kids for my behavior, and I’m working on letting them enjoy their space more. Sometimes, I let their glasses linger on the table or allow a plate of cookies to remain for a bit.
I want those who visit my home to understand that my cleanliness isn’t meant to make anyone feel inadequate. It’s simply the way I manage my anxiety. If I didn’t constantly tidy up, I’m not sure who I would be or what chaos might ensue. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination options, check out this informative blog post. For a comprehensive look at pregnancy resources, visit this excellent source on pregnancy.
Summary:
In this article, Jenna shares her lifelong struggle with anxiety and its connection to her need for a spotless home. She reflects on childhood experiences that shaped her compulsive behaviors and her journey toward self-acceptance. Despite her attempts to relax, her instinct to maintain order remains strong, impacting her family life and self-perception.
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