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Rainbow merchandise is everywhere this month: bags, flags, shirts, water bottles, hoodies, hats, and shoes. Yet, in my own home, there’s little to reflect this vibrant celebration. Why? Because I identify as a queer woman, but I remain in the closet. Very few people are aware of my truth, making June a complicated time for me. This month serves as a poignant reminder of the person I yearn to be but can’t fully embrace, of the authentic self I wish to express but can’t. Instead of joining the celebration, I often feel stifled, silenced, and ashamed.
My Journey
Let me share my journey. Growing up, I sensed I was different. While my peers were exploring intimacy and passion, I felt detached. I didn’t romanticize relationships, avoiding rom-coms and mainstream portrayals of love. Shows like “Friends” and “Dawson’s Creek” just didn’t resonate with me. Though I had boyfriends and at one point dreamed of being whisked away by Prince Charming, I found very few of them attractive—perhaps just a handful. Ultimately, I found love in one of those boys, who became my husband. We married and started a family, welcoming two children into our lives.
Yet, there remained an emptiness I couldn’t quite articulate. Last June, I finally voiced my feelings to my husband: “I think… I think I’m gay.” Today, I identify as queer, but only a select few know this about me.
My husband is aware, and we are navigating this new chapter in counseling. My psychiatrist and therapist knew even before I did, and a few trusted friends are in the loop. However, that’s where my openness ends, and it’s challenging. Living in silence is a struggle.
Longing for Acceptance
I long to embrace my sexuality—more importantly, my true self. I want to proclaim my identity, to share my truth with the world, and to celebrate alongside those who openly express their pride, dancing in the streets and passing historic landmarks like the Stonewall Inn. I yearn to wear rainbow gear, feeling seen for who I truly am. I want to belong to a safe community of peers.
Instead, I often find myself hiding in the shadows, expressing support for the LGBTQ community from a distance. It’s painful and frustrating. I feel like a fraud, an imposter, and I often struggle with feelings of invisibility. In a sea of rainbow-themed celebrations, I can feel utterly non-existent. Many days, I wrestle with self-anger and have even turned to self-harm. Still, I recognize that there are no rules or timelines for coming out; silence does not erase my identity.
Even if I’m not “loud and proud,” I am still queer.
Reshaping My Narrative
This Pride Month, rather than succumbing to anger and sadness, I choose to reshape my narrative. I will smile quietly when I see a rainbow flag, reminding myself that this community is my family. Whether in or out of the closet, the LGBTQ community is my home. I will learn to love and accept myself unconditionally, even from where I stand now. I don’t need banners to honor the woman I am or to recognize the fierce queer I have always been. I will silence the negative voices filled with shame and pain, declaring that they have no place here. I belong, even if they do not. I’ll use this Pride Month to reflect on my journey and how far I’ve come.
While I may not have come out to friends and family, and I’m not marching in the streets, I have come out to myself—and that is worth celebrating. Acknowledging my truth is a significant step forward.