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Parenting
By Samantha Green
I find it challenging to spend more than an hour with my mother. Our relationship has been tumultuous, especially during my teenage years. I experienced sexual abuse from a relative on her side, and instead of offering protection, she urged me to remain silent to maintain family harmony.
While she now expresses regret and often apologizes, wishing she had acted differently, her change of heart only came after that family member passed away. For over twenty years, she spoke about this person as if they had never harmed me, dismissing the pain and trauma I endured. Her disregard for my feelings is an understatement.
Trust was lost, and I often questioned whether I wanted her in my life at all. Once I became a parent, I struggled to understand how anyone could ignore such serious harm inflicted on their own child. When I was pregnant with my first child, a small kid threw a ball at my belly, and my reaction was intense. If someone were to hurt my child, I would fight back fiercely. Ignoring such behavior would be unimaginable for me; I would fight tooth and nail to protect my child.
These feelings compel me to limit my interactions with my mother. I control the frequency and duration of my visits. She cannot just drop by unannounced, and she is aware of this. I need to mentally prepare for our meetings.
Some might interpret this as holding a grudge, but I see it differently. It’s about setting a boundary. There’s a significant distinction, and every individual has the right to establish their own limits. This could mean completely cutting someone off, seeing them infrequently, or simply saying no while still maintaining some level of relationship.
As the saying goes, we teach others how to treat us. My mother has shown me that I can’t trust her regarding my well-being. My goal isn’t to punish her; it’s to protect myself.
Ultimately, protecting our mental health is our responsibility. Rarely do people change on their own, and it’s essential to advocate for ourselves. We are the judges of our own lives, regardless of others’ opinions.
When outside observers suggest that someone should lighten up or accuse them of holding a grudge, they often overlook the complexity of the situation. Distinguishing between holding a grudge and safeguarding your peace of mind is crucial.
Many individuals do not change, and recognizing when someone is harming you—whether physically or mentally—is vital. You have the right to distance yourself from such influences whenever necessary.
I teach my children the importance of taking responsibility for their happiness. They need to learn that if they don’t stand up for themselves, no one else will.
My boundaries with my mother are firm, and that doesn’t mean others need to adopt them. I won’t try to convince anyone to see things my way. After grappling with these feelings for nearly a decade, I’ve realized that just because time has passed and she has apologized doesn’t mean I need to reintegrate her fully into my life.
My mental well-being is too important. If others perceive my actions as holding a grudge, that’s their perspective. They don’t experience the anxiety and discomfort that arise when I’m around her—I do.
It’s essential to normalize the practice of setting boundaries without shaming individuals for prioritizing their well-being. We should all live by our own standards and do what’s best for us in our relationships. Let others think what they will; this is a form of self-care, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices.
For more insights on this topic, check out this other blog post.
Summary: In this article, Samantha Green discusses the importance of setting boundaries with her mother due to a traumatic past involving sexual abuse and the lack of support she received. While others may see this as holding a grudge, she emphasizes that it’s about protecting her mental health and well-being. She advocates for the right to establish personal limits in relationships and teaches her children the importance of self-advocacy.
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