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I’m about to share a moment that stripped away my last bit of dignity. But before I dive in…
This past year has been challenging in countless ways. While we count ourselves lucky—no COVID cases in the family, stable jobs for my partner and me, and our kids (now three and five) safe with daycare reopening midway through the pandemic—it’s still been exhausting. Each night, we crash into bed, utterly depleted. For our children, navigating this strange year has been particularly bewildering. With the confusion of seeing us working from home and trying to manage virtual daycare (trust me, convincing a three-year-old to sit still in front of a screen while toys are beckoning is near impossible), we did what we could to make it through. We tried everything: tea parties, increased screen time, paper plates, takeout, Science Sundays, shaving cream baths, and even “spa nights” (with zucchini slices when cucumbers were nowhere to be found). We even binge-watched every Disney movie, including Lion King 1.75.
As a child psychologist, I empathized deeply with my clients, often repeating, “This is SO HARD” in my best soothing voice, all while trying to maintain an air of calm.
For our eldest, whom we’ll call Mia, the social aspect has proven particularly tough. Last weekend, one of her daycare friends graciously invited the class over for an outdoor gathering. Mia was ecstatic—bouncing in her seat during the car ride, barely able to focus on the Story Pirates podcast. We packed all the essentials: sunscreen, bathing suit, water bottle, and towel. I thought we were ready, but I was unprepared for her reaction once we arrived.
For me, being around so many kind, familiar faces was a taste of pure freedom. I was filled with glee. But Mia… she seemed different. Typically an extrovert, she would happily chat with anyone. But that day, she looked frightened and clung to my hand. “Would you like me to help you say hi to your friends?” I asked. No, she hung back. Eventually, she slowly approached her friends, who were engrossed in slip-n-slide fun, and in the quietest voice I’d ever heard, asked, “Do you want to play with me?” The answer was always no—no one wanted to pause their fun for Mia. My heart sank.
Unsure of what to do, I felt a wave of desperation. Should I hold back? Facilitate a parent conversation? Validate her feelings? I decided to take action. I watched for a moment and then asked, “Want to play with me?”
She hesitated, contemplating my offer. That’s when I thought, why not? I glanced at the other parents, happily mingling while the kids played. Taking a deep breath, I put down my phone, kicked off my flip-flops, and announced, “I’m doing this!”
Then, I sprinted into the sprinkler. The water was refreshing, my glasses fogging up as I splashed through the mud and grass. I hadn’t packed a change of clothes for myself, and my hair was a mess, but the cool water felt amazing.
Suddenly, Mia joined me, and we were racing through the water together, laughing and enjoying the moment. Other kids joined in, and soon, we had a gaggle of joyful, carefree children running around.
The day Mia was born, I—previously a vegetarian and pacifist—said something shocking: “I’d fight a bear for this kid.” Hopefully, I’ll never have to, but parenting is the most bizarre, challenging, and rewarding experience I’ve ever had. My dad once told me that when you have a child, it feels like your heart is now outside your body. This past year, I’ve felt that more than ever—experiencing every triumph and setback through my children’s eyes.
I’ve shed many tears this year, grieving for the losses so many have faced due to COVID, injustice, and racial inequity. The emotions have been intense, often feeling like I’m breathing through a labor pain. Yet, amidst it all, moments of joy and triumph still shine through.
Ultimately, I’d choose joy over decorum any day. So, the next time you see me, you’ll probably find me in the sprinkler, running wild and free.
If you want to read more about similar experiences, check out this blog post. Also, for more on home insemination, visit this authority on the subject.
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In summary, I found myself embracing spontaneity and joy during a playdate with my daughter, reminding myself that connection and happiness are far more important than maintaining a sense of decorum.