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I’ve encountered this scenario so many times that I almost have a script for it. It happened again just yesterday—on Valentine’s Day, no less.
I found myself speaking with a man who seemed decent enough—smart, attractive, and apparently interested in me. He complimented me on being funny, intelligent, and beautiful. But then he added a caveat: if I just lost a few pounds, I could be supermodel hot.
He assured me he hoped I wouldn’t take offense. I replied that I wasn’t offended; he likes what he likes. I told him I hoped he finds what he’s looking for. I mentioned that I used to be very thin, but that came with a price—I starved myself, drank excessively, and took pills instead of eating. Now, I love my body and feel healthier than I ever did. If he values thinness, I suggested he seek someone else.
This response always seems to catch them off guard. They genuinely believe they’re offering me some kind of favor, as if I haven’t heard this before. Do they think they’re the first to suggest I lose weight? I come from a background that understands the pressures of unrealistic body expectations, particularly those imposed by society and a certain type of man. It feels less about my health and more like they want a trophy to show off—a woman who fits their idea of perfection.
There’s also this odd notion that if I had ever been thin, I would naturally want to stay that way. They seem shocked when I tell them that I’ve been in relationships with wealthy, attractive men and it was far from fulfilling. In reality, I’m happier now—heavier and healthier, living life on my own terms, and caring less about what others think.
As a Latina, there’s this narrative that I’m on a journey to be discovered and perfected by a white man. Yet, the truth is I chose a different path, which seems to challenge their worldview.
I don’t express all this; it feels like a waste of breath. Instead, I simply tell him we can be friends.
He quickly changes his tune, complimenting me more—how great I smell, how lovely I am, how he’s never met anyone like me before. I assure him that’s wonderful, but we can only be friends.
I’m not interested in someone who doesn’t appreciate me as I am. How can I feel comfortable with someone who’s envisioning how attractive I could be if I lost weight?
One day, I may weigh less or more. But men who tell me to lose weight need to step aside for those who appreciate me in my entirety.
Why do I specifically highlight white men? Because I usually encounter these comments from them. It’s not all white men, but it’s a recurring pattern that I’ve come to recognize.
It often feels like they’re offering me something I should feel lucky to accept. I, as a Latina, somehow need to comply with their standards, while a white woman merely has to exist. When I reject this “offer,” they realize they’ve overstepped. I refuse to prioritize their preferences over my self-respect and well-being.
So, like this man, they backtrack, trying to regain my attention. They sense what they’re losing, but by then, I’ve already recognized the red flags.
They can’t pretend their comments are about my health, because I’m healthier than ever. I don’t drink much and work out every day. If they threaten to leave for thinner women, I’m completely fine with that.
I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my identity or feel pressured to change who I am to fit their standards. Who I am is enough, and that often surprises them.
If you’re interested in more insights on this topic, you might also enjoy this post on our blog, which covers various aspects of home insemination. For more authoritative information, check out the resources on pregnancy and home insemination available here.
Summary
The author addresses the frequent unsolicited advice from men, particularly white men, suggesting that she should lose weight. She reflects on her journey towards body positivity and self-love, emphasizing the importance of being appreciated for who she is, not for a socially constructed ideal. The piece explores societal pressures on women, particularly women of color, and highlights the need for respect and understanding in relationships.
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Keywords: body positivity, self-love, societal pressures, women of color, unsolicited advice, weight loss, relationships